“You are here to discover the Truth of who you are, but I have to warn you, the Truth can be a bitch. I presume that you are all sincere in wanting to know. If any of you are in doubt about it you should talk to me when this talk is over. This is not an easy group and I don’t want anyone messing about. Are there any questions before you set up for tonight?”
There were about 40 of us in a large room on the fourth floor of the East-West centre in Old Street in London. Jeff Love was addressing us before we settled down to sleep on the floor. He had explained that the structure would start at 6am next morning. He was going to tell us how to do the process then. He also indicated that the women should sleep in the smaller room at the back, the men should sleep in the main group room. Toilets were in the basement – down an interminable number of stone steps.
We were woken with an instruction “You have fifteen minutes to be here ready for the opening talk.” A hasty dash to the toilets downstairs, splashing my face then racing back upstairs to fold up my sleeping bag and put it away ready for the start. I grabbed a cushion to sit on, my body was stiff from sleeping on a hard wooden floor.
“Unless you have taken an Intensive before you will work on the question ‘Who am I?’ But you are not trying to get an answer to that question. You can read answers in books and it doesn’t help. What you are after is an experience of who you really are. The experience will only come after you have exhausted all the answers, so although answers are not what you are after they still need to be communicated. The experience that you are after is one in which there is no separation between you and what you are experiencing; you just know in a completely different way. It is an enlightenment experience, the same as that described by mystics through the ages. You won’t be enlightened forever; the experience itself only lasts a short while. But having this change of state of consciousness, knowing who you actually are, can change everything about you and your life.
“The way this works is that you will sit in rows facing a partner. You should have a different partner for each exercise. Sometimes it doesn’t work out and you’ll end up with someone you have already partnered. This is OK provided it was at least three exercises earlier that you partnered each other. Once you are all settled with a partner I’ll tell those of you facing the door to give your partner their instruction; which is ‘Tell me who you are’. After you have given the instruction then just give your partner your undivided attention and listen to what they say without responding in any way. “When you are given the instruction ‘tell me who you are’ you should look inside to see what comes up. Some people close their eyes to do this, others do it with their eyes open. It doesn’t matter. Whatever comes up you communicate it to your partner. When you have finished explaining what came up then look inside again and repeat the process. You keep doing this until you hear a bell. As soon as you can after the bell finish what you are saying. Then the person who gave the instruction says ‘Thank you’. Now you swap roles. The person who was communicating gives their partner the instruction “tell me who you are” and the previous listening partner looks inside and reports what comes up. That’s it. The exercise has eight five minute sections, so you get to be the listening partner four times and the communicating partner four times.
“At the end of the exercise you’ll be told what comes next. It could be a meal break, a walking contemplation, a silent sitting meditation or even – this afternoon – a rest period. We will be at it until about 11 o’clock tonight. Do you have any questions before we get started?”
I was excited and curious. I moved my cushion into the row and found myself facing quite an old man with a very kindly face. I realised I was looking forward to finding out who these people were who had also come to the group. Someone said “those of you facing the door give your partner their instruction”. The kindly man looked at me and said “Tell me who you are”.
I looked inside and realised that I really had no idea who I was. I was also scared to admit that I didn’t know. I opened my eyes and said “I don’t know and I’m afraid to admit to not knowing”. I closed my eyes again and realised that I was really afraid of being unsure, of not knowing. I’m not sure I want to say this and wait for something else to arise – but nothing does. So I confess my fears. I close my eyes once more and this time I realise that I am a father. This starts a stream of communications about different roles I have in my life, as a father, academic, lover, brother. ‘Ding’ “Thank your partner”, and the kindly man says “Thank you”. Now it’s my turn to say “Tell me who you are” and watch my partner as he struggles. I quite like watching him and enjoy the eye contact he makes when he communicates stuff to me. He seems to take quite a long time finding things to say and before he has said much the bell sounds again. “Thank you” I say before he says “tell me who you are”.
I sense that I am going to enjoy this process. I start communicating about how I wear different clothes for the different roles I have in life. Then I have an image of myself as small. Then as an emerald. Then “ding” the bell marks another changeover. By the end of the forty minute period I feel that I am into the swing of things. I’m looking forward to looking inward and finding what is going to emerge next. We have a break for breakfast, which is porridge with honey, and then complete two more 40 minute exercises before being told it is time for a walking meditation period. We are instructed to keep asking ourselves “who is it” and to notice whatever arises. We are advised to walk slowly so that we can continue to meditate. Walking out into Old Street with traffic roaring past seems a bit bizarre. But I do as I’m told and walk slowly, constantly looking in and asking “who is this?”. One of the first thought that arises is that I don’t want to walk, I want to be carried. As I allow this to go deeper I realise that I am always appearing to be strong and self-sufficient. But there are times when I feel weak and want support. As I continue walking slowly more in the same vein: I appear to know when I doubt; I sound certain when I am unsure. Is this real? I am not sure.
In the exercise after the walking period I communicate these contradictions between how I appear and how I feel internally. As the process continues I find myself plagued by doubts. By the afternoon quite a number of the other participants are reporting bad headaches and tiredness. I’m feeling fine. Does this mean that I’m not doing the process right? It seems too easy, everyone else is struggling more than me. I’m actually enjoying myself whilst most of my partners are moaning about something or other. The evening walk is relatively quiet, though I am starting to feel a little ‘spaced out’. By the time the final bell sounds I am really really tired and fall asleep as soon as I curl up in my sleeping bag.
The next morning I woke up feeling very refreshed. After the first 40 minute exercise we had an exercise period. I went for a run and felt energised. After breakfast the next exercise was spent recognising how I look after my physical body – by eating and exercising well, I look after my intellect by reading and enquiring, and I look after my emotional self by giving space to express my feelings. But I completely neglect the self – who I am – the one who has a body, an intellect and feelings. Later in the morning I realise that I am nourishing myself by taking this Intensive, by seeking to become conscious of my self. I feel I am on my way home. And I feel ashamed to be so happy when so many of the people I am listening to are so sad. One of the participants reminds me a lot of my ‘wise man’. There is also a woman on the group who reminds me a lot of Laura. I am enjoying expressing all the stuff that is arising in my mind – but I also realise that I am starting to really want this experience. I ask myself “who wants it? Who is pleased to be here? Who is it that senses he is going home? Who is getting high and having such a good time?’
By lunchtime things are starting to quieten. Sometimes when I close my eyes and look inside there is nothing happening, no thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Jeff initiates a question and answer session and someone else asks him about something that sounds very similar. “This is the void”, says Jeff, “it is a good sign. It means that your answers are beginning to run out. Most people have to go through a period of the void. You have to be really empty before something new can emerge.” I am encouraged, it sounds as if I am on the right track.
In the next exercise I sit for quite a while with nothing coming into my mind. I struggle to describe nothingness. Then I spot I am ‘trying to do it’ – I am trying to make something happen rather than just be open. Then I am back into the void. In the next five minutes I am full of fear, though I cannot understand why. In the next period I am back in the void. And I notice that other people are exhibiting similar patterns. Nothing happening, then something occurs which is eagerly seized as something to talk about, but when that is exhausted it is back into nothingness.
In the afternoon walk I find my way to a small park. Whilst walking there I complete a Creative Law to experience myself directly. One of the early checks in the process is to ask “Is it right for me?”. I burst into tears; of course it is right for me. I cry with joy and relief as I find my way back to the Centre.
In the exercise period before dinner I find myself full of anger. Anger at myself for always judging and comparing myself to others. Am I better or worse? Faster or slower? I want to get there first. I want to be the best. It is embarrassing to be communicating this. I am afraid to show my anger, afraid what others will think of me. I’m afraid of being evil, of finding that I am wicked, violent and full of hate. Then I become fed up with judging myself, fed up with ‘having to do it right’. I am swirling in feelings. Then suddenly I feel calm again. I find the place where I am willing to wait for whatever happens to happen. It is time for the evening walk. I feel stone cold sober, no joy, no pain, just totally and absolutely normal. I use the underpass to cross Old Street and as I pass the entrance to the underground station I think I am wasting my time. I am not any different from how I arrived two days ago, I am not getting anywhere. I climb the steps out of the underpass thinking I might as well give up. Then something pops inside my head and the words appear: I AM LOVE.
Oh no! It can’t be. Not so simple. Oh wow! I am love. I am love. On no. I have denied love for so long. I have doubted it – I have been denying and doubting my self. Oh no! I am in floods of tears. I cannot stop crying. The feelings are a mixture of gratitude and relief. It’s so simple, so obvious. I never knew. I feel so totally LOVE.
I made my way back to the Centre and found Jeff. “I want to share something with you. I AM LOVE.” “Oh wow! Oh yes! You look so high”. He beams at me. “Look you need to present this for the next two sessions and we’ll talk about changing your question in the morning Technically you are experiencing yourself directly, but the answer is wrong. When you have presented this work on who is experiencing this love.”
I only half take in what he says. I love everyone. I am pure love. I find that when I am within about two feet of someone they become aware of me – it is as if I am bumping into them from a distance. Everyone smiles at me. My partner in the next exercise goes off into outer space and recalls his ecstasy at the birth of his child. The monitor who is calling the changes stands behind my partner beaming at me. I find it impossible to close my eyes, I just want to keep saying how much I love – and burst into tears. By the time the last bell sounds and we are instructed to prepare for sleep I have calmed down. I still feel high, but my energy is crashing. I fall into a deep contented sleep. By the middle of the next morning I lose the immediate sense of being love and am plagued by doubts once more. I continue delving deeper, still wondering who it was who experienced being love. During the walking period I notice that I am trying to hang onto the experience, to regenerate it. I’m trying to hang onto the memory instead of just being my Self. I notice other people being suddenly energised and bright and wonder whether they are also discovering something amazing about who they are. I notice that Eva is avoiding looking at me; I beam love at her anyway.
I continue to unearth material right through to the end of the Intensive. One of the last sequences was concerned with how I try to make things certain by making them static. I slowly realised that I can be confident without making things fixed. I know what I experienced and nothing can change that, I do not need a rigid certainty. And then it is all over. Time to reconnect with Eva.
We are both shy. I explain to her what happened to me. She smiles and says that she noticed me being ‘all soppy’ and couldn’t stand it. In part she was jealous I was having such a good time because she was in hell. She had trouble sleeping because it was so noisy and she felt strung out a lot of the time. On the third day she went to the cemetery and felt really nauseous. She was sick in a waste bin and felt that she was vomiting up all the religious dogma she had been forced to accept as a child. As she sat on a bench recovering from vomiting she saw a pigeon with only one leg hopping along the ground. She realised that although he was clearly injured he was perfect as he was. And then she knew that she was perfect just as she was. As she told me this there were tears in her eyes and I felt the obvious truth of what she was saying. She knew she was OK – without any doubt.
– – – – – – – – –
Eva and I have regularly looked back over our relationship to try to establish what were the key turning points or events that enabled us to find our way through. We have often recognised the significance of this first Enlightenment Intensive (yes there are more to come). It was extremely helpful that we both had unequivocal experiences of who we were. This enabled us to further withdraw our projections on each other as well as know that we were each fundamentally OK. The man who developed the Intensive process, Charles Berner, did so because he found that people who knew who they were could make more progress with all growth techniques than people who did not. People who did not know who they were tended to identify with their personality and were therefore afraid to make changes at that level. People who knew who they were recognised that their personality was something they had and could therefore change.
There were some very direct benefits as well. Ever since that experience of being Love I have not experienced any feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable. What all the other therapies and processes had highlighted as my central issue was dealt with, banished forever. This was a dramatic change in my inner world and opened a door to a more sane way of relating. For Eva there was a similar payoff. She had experienced herself on an Intensive some five years earlier, that experience had opened the door to her spiritual self. The new experience on Jeff Love’s Intensive enabled her to see that she was really OK. As a result she felt a lot more confident and much less paranoid. This enabled her to relate from a position of strength rather than weakness.
It is extremely difficult to convey both the nature of an enlightenment experience and the effect that it can have on a person. The experience involves a shift in the person’s state of consciousness; another shift in the state of consciousness is from being awake to being asleep, or in a dream state. What is experienced in this altered state doesn’t depend on anything. It is not based on any religion or philosophy – though people have founded both on the back of these experiences. One simply experiences the way things actually are. Sometimes this is referred to as the Absolute or Truth (with the capital T). Sometimes what is experienced is so beyond description or comparison that people refer to it as God or the Divine. The variation in the words used simply reflects the impossibility of describing these experiences. My experience, that ‘I am Love’, should not be confused with me being ‘in love’ with something or someone. What I am attempting to convey is that my very essence, the me that enlivens this body, is, fundamentally an all-encompassing Love that accepts everything and is free of all judgement. Although these words are inadequate at conveying the experience, I trust that you can understand why it was impossible for me to feel worthless afterwards. And that is the sort of profound inner transformation that these experiences can have for an individual. A few months later Eva’s confidence had another boost when I served as her assistant on one of her groups. Partly because I was a professor and she a research student, but also because I was competent in many other ways, Eva saw herself as inadequate in relation to me. Indeed, she later confided that on the way to the group she was terrified having me as an assistant. However, it worked really well. I loved seeing Eva work with people and was supportive of her. I also learned a lot watching other people struggle with issues similar to mine. I also realised that I could often intuit what someone was feeling – remarkable for someone who only a year or so ago was completely unaware of his own and other people’s feelings. The group marked the beginning of many ways in which Eva and I worked together – and it was important that it started with Eva in charge.
The next major event in my inner journey was to set up a retreat for myself in a remote part of Dartmoor. I found a small caravan site where I could rent a caravan for the three weeks between the first and second May Bank Holidays. It turned out to be an idyllic location on the edge of the moor, 5 miles from Tavistock. Eva drove me there and left me with my bicycle as my only means of transport. The caravan was delightfully old fashioned with gas lights and a large tin jug to bring in water from the outside tap. Best of all, the site was deserted, I was the only person there for the duration of my stay.
The first issue that came up as soon as Eva left was loneliness. I allowed myself to feel the here-and-now loneliness of the place and Eva leaving, but this quite quickly transformed into the much deeper loneliness that had been present most of my life. Later when I asked my wise man for guidance he said:
It is important to allow yourself to feel and express the historical loneliness because it is colouring all your relationships. Pay attention to your heart, some of the pain you are experiencing is a consequence of your heart opening. You are suffering from impatience – you want to be through it all already. You might be able to jump there with some trick, structure or drug – but then you would fall back again. If you walk there, slowly, step by step, you may still fall back sometimes – but you will know how to go forward again because you will have travelled there for and by yourself. So be patient! Over the next two weeks I revisited many of the issues that had caused me grief in the previous year. This included recognising that much of the time when I felt hurt I slipped into wanting revenge – as the black knight (the Tower) had pointed out to me. Over and over again I realised that it was my choice to take hurt from a situation – and other choices were open to me. If I did choose to take hurt then I needed to allow myself to feel it and show other people what was happening – otherwise I was going to slip into wanting revenge again. Slowly it was dawning on me that integrating the wealth of discoveries I had made in the last 18 months was not going to be easy!
I was starting to find it easier to meditate. But I wasn’t so pleased with what I was discovering. The main theme was that I was terrified of being controlled and that in response to this fear I sought to control everything and everyone around me. I saw this in respect to the Energy Research Group, my relationships (Laura and Eva) and pretty well every aspect of my life. When I asked my wise man for advice on this topic he said that the key was to learn to love myself.
“This is your deepest trip and will take time to sort out. The solution is in love. Love is the supreme power. Armour, weapons, hatred, revenge and so on are all statements of weakness. Love overcomes all and if you love someone you have nothing to fear – so aim to love everyone. Most of all learn to love yourself.”
It all sounded good, but putting it into practice was something different. With hindsight I can see that at this stage in asking my wise man for advice I was settling for generalities and not yet requiring him to give me specific, actionable strategies.
Quite often I found myself in intense arguments with Eva in my head whilst walking across the empty moor. At one level I could see it was nonsense – she wasn’t involved in any way except in my head. When I allowed myself to sink into the feelings (in the caravan with blankets over the windows to reduce noise leakage) it always ended up with me sobbing about my childhood, about not being loved or cared for, about being lonely or being hit all the time. The advantage of doing this now while so completely alone was that I could see clearly how these childhood issues continually seeped into the present. There was not anyone else around that I could blame for how I felt – it was me alone with myself. It became very obvious that I was doing all this to myself. Eva came to spend the last few days of my retreat with me. We were shy together initially, but as I told her more of what had been going on for me we became closer. The next day I was keen to show her the fabulous places I had discovered on my walks, especially the river that cascaded over rocks through the woods. Whilst showing her the river I persisted in going further and further upstream until finally we came to a small island. I immediately jumped across the rocks onto the island and picked up a stone that was on top of a tree stump. The stone felt significant, though for no apparent reason. When we returned home I polished the stone and made a harness so that I could wear it around my neck. I had no rational reason for doing so, but I wore that stone around my neck for the next ten years.
My relationship with Eva was steadily improving. Around this time we frequently used Tarot readings to prompt reflections on ourselves or our relationship. In almost every reading the ‘ten of pentacles’ appeared , symbolising “abundance, wealth, the establishment of a family, marriage”. Abundance has been a constant of our life ever since, continuing to the present day.
When I reflected on our relationship I was starting to see that my resistance to committing to Eva had little to do with her and a lot to do with two relationships that completely failed despite a solid commitment on my part. I also became aware that I was holding back my sexuality to some degree. All this changed dramatically after a powerful session with David Boadella.
Dear David, 23rd July 1981
Whew! So much has happened since I last saw you. I would like to share it because it flowed directly from the last session we had.
In the session I described to you my sadness and longing; longing to have someone love me; longing to have my “unfillable hole” filled up. You pointed out that longing can be sadness or hope: and that a hole can be a way for something to go in or go out. I came away from the session realising that the longing was more to do with me wanting to let my love out than wanting someone else to fill me up. On the way home from Weymouth I felt an enormous power inside myself, a power I wanted to express to foster love and harmony in the world. I recognised that I had always wanted to do this; previously my activities had been dominated by unconscious needs. Now I was beginning to feel I could be real and active.The next few days were spent with what appeared to be a stomach upset. I now know it was fear. There was the fear of doubt ‘is this real?’, ‘dare I think I am ok?’ ‘this is another level of delusion’. Then came the fear of contact with Eva. If I really allowed myself out through my hole I would be vulnerable. Eva and I experimented with contact. Several times I allowed my loving sexuality to flow out in all its warmth and glory – I had forgotten what beauty I had kept locked up by denying my sexuality. Then came the fear of being controlled. This was the big one. I was afraid of being caught in a rejecting game, afraid to be vulnerable and open. I was in touch with my fear and hatred of controlling, castrating women.
At the weekend I went to assist Eva at a couples group. We worked very well together – we complement each other very well. However we were both exhausted by the group and recognised that we, but particularly me, had been triggered by a couple who worked on an unpleasant dynamic between them right at the end of the group. The essence of their dynamic was that the man was violent to the woman and could not forgive himself for being violent. The woman controlled him by reminding him of his violence and violation of her.
The effect on me was a crippling back ache; I was ‘holding back’. I had a powerful dream about being an awful person and worked on it with Eva’s help. The result was that I found the place where I forgave myself for how I had been. I forgave myself for being violent and expressing it in my sexuality. I could allow myself out now because I was in touch with my loving sexuality – and I knew how to distinguish the loving sex and the violent sex within myself. Also I know how to express anger and, if necessary, release violence on cushions. More importantly I know that the violence is an expression of rage at being hurt – and I choose to take hurt, a choice I am learning how to make differently.
This morning the final connections were made. I awoke feeling low and despairing and quite quickly moved into a fearful state. I allowed myself to sink into the fear of being controlled and then started to shake and shake. Oh boy so much fear. And all locked up in my back. I cried and cried at the years of being controlled by rejection and felt the futility of wanting someone else to give me a sense of worth or forgiveness. I saw how I had given my power away and knew I was reclaiming it. This episode took all the energy from the tension in my back. My back still aches, but that is from the fatigue of the last week or so, not with the energy of fear or holding back. The last stage was to work out all the interlocking loops in the terrible game played out by the couple at the weekend, and by me in my relationship with Laura. It was essential for me to see the whole game – only then could I feel safe from it. Safe from control and able to really stop ‘holding back’.
So now I feel I can really let myself out. The saga probably has more twists and turns to go, but I know that the main change has taken place inside me. The longing was indeed a longing to let myself out – it was also a defence against all the fear that was holding me in. The feeling that it is safe to come out is a new one, and it is exciting (not fearful). Whew! So much flowing from one session. Thank you with all my heart
Best wishes
Next.
A Master's Path 