If life is a school, relationships are its University
“Creating Union” by Eva Pierrakos and Judith Saly
In 2016 we were on holiday in Ibiza. Eva was looking forward to us going clubbing one evening; an opportunity for her to dress up and show off. She also really loves dancing with me. However I had an upset stomach and felt too unwell to even contemplate staying up late or taking ecstasy. . . . Yes we are back at the story I used to illustrate my relationship with Eva right at the beginning of this book in Chapter 1. This was just one time when we received strong acknowledgement for the love we shared and were willing to show.
This was not an unusual occurrence. We are frequently told by complete strangers that they find the love between us inspiring. It is not unusual to see young people who have obviously just “fallen in love”. It is much rarer to see people in their 70s displaying the same characteristics – but that is exactly what Eva and I find ourselves doing much of the time, and it is this that inspires many who see us together.
We first started to receive feedback about how we appeared to others when we went to the Golden Delicious and Kimberley parties. We have also had similar feedback from close friends, particularly Yuri and Sheila who have long revelled in our banter and play together. The feedback and the growing sense of closeness enabled us to see that we had something unusual in our relationship. By sometime in 2012 we decided that we would write about it.
One of our first tasks was to figure out exactly what we had achieved and which of the many processes we had employed made the biggest difference. I remember being quizzed by Yuri and Sheila on this and we started to identify core attitudes that we had to our relationship that were unusual and helpful. One is the 50:50 rule which requires both parties in the relationship to take equal responsibility for whatever goes wrong. Another is to cease analysing each other and a third is to always tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing. Following on from this conversation we identified about 30 principles, to which we adhered, that we considered helpful. We also identified a number of strategies that we used that also helped – things like never using sex as a weapon in conflicts and maintaining practices that enhance each other’s personal awareness. I was in my element sorting all these issues out and categorising them.
But it was not Eva’s way of approaching a book. She wanted to write some stories about how we met, how we discovered things about each other and the journeys we went on through groups, Intensives and drug trips – a lot of which have appeared in the preceding chapters of this book. It became obvious that our different styles would make it very difficult to write a book together. Also at the end of 2012 we embarked on the major showdown between us – ending the superman trip – which meant that writing about the ‘success’ of our relationship was inappropriate.
By 2014 we were largely through the spate of difficulties and found ourselves even closer and more in love. For me one of the most significant changes was that Eva was no longer resisting deep contact with me and was whole heartedly committed to ‘the relationship path’ i.e. using our relationship as her primary vehicle for gaining deeper contact with the Divine. About this time we also recognised that we felt that we “had made it” – by which I mean that our life together was far better than anything we envisaged when we set out. I remember remarking “this is a lot more than I bargained for!”
We also realised that we had forged a path without the support or approval of our peers. When I embarked on my journey of self discovery most of my colleagues at the University thought that I had a mental breakdown. They had no concept of developing deeper personal awareness and regarded the practices I adopted as evidence of me having lost the plot. We also had a bunch of friends, largely through Eva and her work as a therapist, who regarded our approach to working on ourselves together as dangerous. They were certain we would become stuck in collusions and strongly advised us to use external therapists rather than using processes together. Despite this lack of support, and lack of role models, we found a way through to a place of enormous love and understanding. We recognised we had something unique to pass on to others and even a duty, as elders, to do so.
As a result I assembled a web-site, Relating Manual (https://relating-manual.com/) that set out the principles, strategies and tools that we had used to develop our relationship. Also we started to explicitly help people with relationship issues. As a result of this we developed a protocol using ecstasy that could be used as a last resort when couples were at the point of splitting up. It also helped improve relationships not in crisis – but it came into its own as a rescue tool. It evolved over a period of time and in its latest version has succeeded in four out of five desperate cases. And finally we realised that writing separate books about how we have arrived at this place would be appropriate. I am strongly reminded of a point made by Ken Wilber in relation to direct experiences of the Divine. He said that the deal was that the deeper the experience a person had the more compelled they are to communicate it to others. Much of my work with Intensives was my way of communicating the experiences I had had in that format. Now I want to communicate about the experience of the Divine in the relationship I have with Eva.
And of course words cannot do so.
But of course I’m going to have a go anyway!
One of the difficulties involved is that when I am in an experience I do not have the perspective necessary to describe it. I noticed this several times whilst reading my journals. At the time I faithfully recorded what was happening without being able to see it clearly. With hindsight I have been able to make a lot more sense of experiences that remained mysterious to me at the time.
For example when Sheila recently wrote something about our relationship, she said that we were the happiest people she knew by far. I was surprised by this. I had never thought of us as being very happy. On reflection it is obvious; we are very happy and spend a lot of our time together laughing, bantering at each other and having fun. But it would not have been one of the characteristics I would have used in describing our relationship.
We love having physical contact and being close together. When some friends from Ibiza recently came to see us the man noticed that whenever I came into the room I would go and sit as close to Eva as possible, often putting my arm around her. He commented that he often wanted to sit next to his woman, but felt it was somehow inappropriate. He decided it was what he wanted s well.
We talk endlessly and share everything that is going on with us. We talk early on when Eva gets up, again at elevenses, again at lunch time and then at tea in the afternoon and at dinner. And some evenings we do the relating exercise from Intensives together. An old friend came for a visit year or so ago and observed this behaviour and decided that it was part of what she wanted in her life. So she instituted having a conversation with her husband every day at teatime – and has loved the outcome.
We love kissing and as our relationship has developed we kiss more, and more passionately. Six or seven years ago we were at a festival in Australia with Sophi, Paul and their two children – who were then about five and four. In the evening the children were put in pushchairs in their pyjamas and would, at some point, fall asleep in the chairs. Sophi and Paul left us in front of the main stage with the children in their push-chairs and went off to explore. The act on the stage changed and the new band were awful; not just bad but intolerably awful. We couldn’t leave because it was where Sophi and Paul would return to in order to find their children. So I raced back to our camp and retrieved two pairs of ear plugs. The ear plugs enabled us to cease listening to the awful sound from the stage, but left us with nothing to do. We certainly couldn’t talk. So we decided to kiss, and for the next half hour just kissed each other until Sophi and Paul returned. We enjoyed ourselves!
For many years I did not much like kissing. However without intending to do so, Eva taught me how to kiss her really well. Whenever I had the kiss just right her legs would inadvertently part and she would melt in my arms. I am a fast learner and over the years have perfected kissing Eva so that she melts straight away. She now regards me as the best kisser in the universe and often swoons after a particularly good kiss!
Our relationship is very intense. Whenever Eva sees me she lights up with a wonderful smile; I am sure I do the same. Quite frequently when I am looking at Eva I will fall into a love state. It is hard to describe precisely, but I feel myself melting, adoring Eva and I usually cry with affection and gratitude. The overwhelming feeling of love is similar to that which takes one’s breath away looking at a stunningly beautiful scene at sunset, or the joy of having a small baby smile back at you. These experiences have been referred to as peak experiences; I have one most days just looking at my darling wife.
We both love intensity, which is one of the reasons we like getting stoned together. When we are stoned all our senses are intensified, especially listening (to music and conversation), tasting good food and physical contact (including sex). And as previous examples have demonstrated, being stoned creates an intellectual openness which we exploit for resolving arguments and generally understanding ourselves and our lives better.
When we get stoned together we talk a lot and then we will make deep contact. One of us will initiate it, most often me, but not always. And it will start by one of us having a peak experience, starting to cry and triggering the other one into a similar state. Then something else happens – it is what I refer to as Divine contact. Visually Eva becomes the most adorable, prettiest woman I have ever seen. Emotionally I am overwhelmed with love and desire for her. But most significant of all, I feel met. The contact is of one soul to another; it is the same as the way I was met by Intensive participants when they presented an experience of the Divine to me. It is the Divine me meeting the Divine other. There is nothing more fulfilling or beautiful. It provides the deepest sense of meaning in my life. It feels as if this is what I have always wanted, what I have always craved. To see and be seen by another being; to love and be loved. It is a more intense and extended version of the contact that we have sober.
The other thing that happens whenever we are stoned together is that we discover that the other person is our ideal sexual partner. The intensity of lust between us is far greater than anything I experienced as a young man. And after 38 years together we really know how to pleasure each other – and just adore doing so. As a result our sexual encounters are phenomenal. I have always had a good time sexually with women, and I’ve had a number of good lovers. But the intensity of pleasure and release and joy that I now experience with Eva leaves all that history in the dust. What we have now is on a different planet – unimaginably better. I am pretty certain that it is this amazingly intense sexual buzz we have together that pulls us into the deep love and contact. It is also part of what people see and love when we dance together – we are literally like young lovers, all over each other with passion and lust.
We have taught each other how to be our ideal sexual partners, just as Eva taught me to kiss. Whenever I put out my male sexual energy just right, Eva responds by becoming this adorable compliant feminine woman. Over time we have, in this way, encouraged each other to be more male and more feminine in all aspects of how we are together; how we dress, how we communicate, how we caress and how we have sex. We do not become sexier just to each other – other people are also turned on by the pure male and female energy and it is one of the reasons why we are successful flirts. The other reason why we succeed at flirting is because we are not requiring anything from the other person. The ‘come-on’ is clean and is simply acknowledging the sexual attraction to another person without any consequences. If the situation is ever ambiguous we make it obvious to whom we are attached!
The last aspect of our relationship that I want to try to communicate is about ‘shining’. When a participant on an Intensive has a direct experience of the Divine they shine – there is a discernible shift in their energy state and their face, especially their eyes, glow. The magnitude of the effect varies from person to person and with the depth of the experience, but all Enlightenment Masters recognise the phenomenon. On the Master’s Training course I took in 1984 I witnessed a Spanish woman have a direct experience and thought she was stunningly beautiful. Eva had met this woman on a different course and was shocked by my reaction to her – Eva was repulsed by her appearance! The change in state literally changes a person’s appearance that much. When Eva and I enter into a love state together we shine in exactly this way. She often comments on how handsome I look and loves it when I tell her she is stunningly beautiful. And these are not false descriptions – photographs of us in this state would show the same ‘shining’. And it is this ‘shining’ that people see when we are together and love so much. This is just as well because we are also becoming old and wrinkly. Sometimes I see a photograph of myself that shows me as a really old man and I’m shocked. I lose sight of the fact that when I’m not shining with love I’m a 73 year old codger.
Most of the really intense contact and loving that goes on between us happens when we are alone together. We are slowly allowing our close friends to see more of our love and passion for each other, but it isn’t always appropriate. And this is a major reason why we are seeing fewer people and doing our best to protect our alone time together here in our ‘hippy heaven’. We share as much of our abundance with others as seems appropriate and there will always be a deeper joy available in the intimacy we share when alone together.
Well I have done my best to get across where we’ve got to in our relationship. We recognise it is unusual and a fantastic place to have arrived at. And it is obvious that our journey together is not over. Indeed I cannot conceive of it being over whilst we are both alive.
One of the edges we have to work on now is caring for each other better. Eva and I are opposites in almost all our characteristics, including how we like to be cared for. When I am unwell I like physical contact, affection and tangible care. When Eva is unwell she wants to be left alone, quite often the last thing she wants is any physical contact. These opposite requirements are a problem because everyone naturally gives to others what they would want for themselves. Whenever I see someone suffering I imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes, figure out what would help me most, and aim to give that to the person suffering. It is the basic mechanics of empathy. Only in our case it doesn’t work because we are so opposite. So when I now ‘put myself in Eva’s shoes’ I also have to remember what it is like to be Eva and figure out what would most help her – not me – and give that to her. This is an edge for us because as we age we become more frail, so illnesses are more frequent and take a lot longer to resolve.
About six months ago I was cleaning out old files on my computer and I came across one entitled “The forces of Love, Eros and Sex”. I didn’t remember ever reading it, so I printed it out and was gob-smacked by what I read. It was describing a great deal of what I have referred to in this book as ‘The Relationship Path’. What’s more it was attributing the same significance to the maintenance of erotic charge between a couple as I had been theorising about. After reading it I felt profoundly acknowledged and affirmed. I gave it to Eva to read and she had exactly the same reaction. And then I realised that Beryl had sent me the article almost ten years earlier, and had frequently said to both of us that what was happenings between us reminded her of what she had read by the author of the article, Eva Pierrakos. Here is a quote from the article:Many people want to start by revealing themselves to the personal God. But actually, deep in their hearts, such revelation to God is only a subterfuge because it is abstract and remote. No other human being can see or hear what they reveal. They are still alone. One does have to do the one thing that seems so risky, requires so much humility and thus threatens to be humiliating. By revealing yourself to another human being you accomplish so much that cannot be accomplished by revelation to God, who knows you anyway and who does not need your revelation. When you find the other soul and meet it, you fulfil your destiny. When you find another soul, you also find another particle of God, and if you reveal your own soul, you reveal a particle of God and give something divine to another person.
A Master's Path 