I received a lot of very positive feedback for the Confessions paper, including from peers upon whom I relied for accurate feedback. Skanda wrote a long reply that started:
Your paper raises issues I think a lot of teachers are facing, the balance between teaching and being a person, avoiding cult dynamics yet trying to take people deeper, issues of the dual relationship of friends and students, challenges of monogamy, kundalini and socially non-ordinary processes such as drug use for growth purposes.
After sharing ways in which he addressed the issues his conclusion was:
I think as a teacher you should make your best choices and just teach and adjust as you go. Whatever you do will be imperfect, have challenges and be fraught with life problems and then it will put you in your grave. I would love and teach anyway.
In late July I participated in a 7-day Satori event, which is the Osho version of an Enlightenment Intensive. I chose to participate in that because I wished to be anonymous; on a standard Intensive the staff and some of the participants would know me. It turned out that all the staff on the Osho course knew of me because my book, Tell me who you are, was one of their training manuals! I enjoyed having a different structure and working on “who is in?” rather than “who am I?” I also liked the three one hour dance periods each day.
A month later we went to Peru to join Yuri, Sheila and their son Reuben for ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazonian jungle. We flew to Iquitos and after meeting the rest of the group and Hamilton, the shaman who would be leading the ceremonies, we set off on an overnight boat trip up the Amazon. The next morning we disembarked at a small village and there transferred all our luggage plus all the food and water we would need for the next 7 days, into two dug-out canoes. We then set off along a tributary to the Amazon, the canoes being powered by outboard motors. However after a couple of hours there was insufficient water in the river to keep the canoes afloat, so all the men were asked to get out and help push the canoes along. After progressing for another couple of hours like this we finally beached the canoes close to a village right in the middle of the jungle. The village was actually no more than a dozen mud huts, with straw roofs, a large wooden structure and a number of wood cabins. The wood cabins were for us to sleep in; the large wooden building was where we ate and had the ceremonies; it was surrounded my mosquito nets.
The first night we were all struck by the amazing sounds of the jungle – mostly from toads and frogs, with the occasional growl of a large animal thrown in for good measure. The next day Hamilton took us on a long walk during which we collected the various ingredients for the ayahuasca brew. When we returned to the camp we all set about helping to beat the roots, vines and leaves to a pulp that was then cooked for 12 hours. It smelt awful and, as we found out the next day, tasted even worse.
Hamilton was an American in his thirties. He had been studying with a shaman (Alberto) in the jungle for several years. He was leading the ceremonies alone at that time because Alberto was in prison. We had the opportunity to get to know Hamilton during the boat trip and whilst collecting the ingredients. The next night, after dark, we gathered in the large wooden building, each person sitting on a simple mattress with a very large bowl and a pile of tissues in front of us. Hamilton invited each person to come forward and take a small cup of the brew. As we each did so we stated our intention. Then the lights were turned out and Hamilton started to sing and shake is shapakkah. After about 15 minutes the drug started to have an effect and then came on stronger and stronger and stronger. It was completely overwhelming and my first thought was “I am really glad Hamilton is on our side because right now I am completely open and helpless.” I was clutching onto the sick bowl, but without vomiting. I could hear most of the other people in the room retching. But then the sounds faded and I left my body and went up into a world of love and light. I saw Hamilton as a light being., I was overwhelmed with love and light patterns and a sense of connectedness.
At some point one of the helpers came and poured water over my head. It felt divine. What seemed like ages later I called out “Hamilton”. “Yes Jake” he replied. “Could In have more water on my head please!” The helpers came and duly drenched me once more. I waited another half hour and then repeated my request. The next day people were laughing and remembering that every minute or so I was shouting for more water to be poured on my head. Apparently one of the helpers simply poured the water over my head into my empty sick bowl, placed another bowl underneath me and then emptied the bowl full of water over my head – repeating the process for quite a while.
When the trip finally slowed down I realised that all the time I had been out of my body, my body had been in a peculiar posture, leaning over and clutching the sick bowl. As a consequence my back ached and my legs were partially numb. I promised myself that before any future ayahuasca trips I was going to ensure my body was in a comfortable position before racing off to join the angels.
The next day I felt completely wrecked. Hamilton was sympathetic and had me sit in a chair while he shook his shappaka at me. After about 20 minutes I was amazed to find I felt completely recovered. The next night we had another ceremony. I had exactly the same dose as the first night – but this time absolutely nothing happened. It was as if I had drunk an unpleasant cup of tea. I was bemused to watch the other members of the group go through their trips, ‘purging’ (i.e. being sick) and clearly having an intense trip.
We had a break for a day and then a third ceremony. I had less ayahuasca this time and had a mild trip in which I explored the effect of the energy in my body. It showed me where I was tight, but the overwhelming message was that I needed to rest. During the quiet time after the ceremony Hamilton was receiving a massage from a woman called Kellee. He said that he loved me and wanted to stay in touch with me. He said I was one of the few strong men he knew and he really liked that about me. He wanted me to give him advice about running his business. I was blown away. I felt very acknowledged and seen by him.
The next day we left to travel to Vancouver to see people there. We stayed a week with Satyen, a successful enlightenment Master who filled his groups with business and political people who were happy to pay five times what we charged for an Intensive. He made serious money because he also had up to 100 people at a time taking his Intensives. I was bowled over when he sought my advice about how to manage his relationships with his wife and his associates.
At this time I received an email letting me know that the person appointed to check the quality of the systems course I had written on the back of the Demos pamphlet had applied to the University to use the course himself. He didn’t just like what he read, he wanted to use it with his own students. I was once again blown away by a powerful acknowledgement. It was one thing to have people on my groups thinking I’m great; it is quite different to be acknowledged by other successful people – especially those engaged with personal awareness.
In January 2006 we set off on another round the world trip. We started our trip visiting Argentina and then Iguazu Falls, on the border between Brazil and Argentina. The Falls are spectacular; we spent two days being wowed. On the last evening there Eva had too much Lemon Cello and fell over badly, hitting her face on a concrete path and putting her back out. From there we flew to Cuzco in Peru where we met Satyen. He had just taken a group of his students around Machu Picchu and had introduced them to San Pedro, a mescaline based drug dispensed by a local shaman. Eva became excited and wanted to have the same experience. So Satyen introduced us to the shaman who agreed to meet us the next day at Machu Picchu. I did try to talk Eva out of the idea because we were scheduled to have more ayahuasca in three days time – but she was determined.
That night Eva started to fret because she is quite sensitive to psychoactive drugs. We knew that the shaman could not speak English, so she spent an hour learning the Spanish for “I am unwell, please take me to the nearest hospital immediately”. The next day we travelled from Cuzco to Machu Picchu and met the shaman as arranged. He took us on a path away from the tourist route and close to a cave gave us both a dose of San Pedro – which is a ground up mushroom containing mescaline. Within ten minutes or so I started to be affected. The shaman then directed us along a path that would lead us to the ruins that everyone came to see.
Not long after we started walking Eva started to feel unwell. At one point she went off into the bushes to have a pee. I could also hear her starting to vomit. The shaman, in very broken English, said she was not safe because there were snakes in the bushes. So I called her out. We continued along the path and entered the ruins which looked amazing. However what was attracting my attention was a sugar loaf mountain off to my right. I felt energy from this mountain. I felt it was my brother. I started to beat my chest and roar with delight. The shaman looked worried and directed our attention to the mountains behind the ruins – but to no avail. I was hooked on the rounded mountain off to the right.
At this point a very bedraggled looking Eva came up to me and said, “I brought you here so you could see what an amazing man you are. This is supposed to be the centre of male energy – and you are getting it.” I was bowled over by what she said. Another powerful acknowledgement! With tears in my eyes I thanked her profoundly. Then I said I had to go up to the watchtower – which was a lookout high on the hill to the left. I left her resting with a worried looking shaman by her side. When I reached the lookout I asked the universe a question. I said “Look I don’t have that much time left, what should I do with the rest of my life?” The answer came back almost immediately. “Ask Eva, she knows you best and will always guide you well.” I cried with the simplicity of the response and hurried back to share it with Eva. However as soon as I was close to my ‘brother mountain’ I was once again filled with amazingly powerful energy. I started beating my chest again and calling to the mountain – much to the shaman’s discomfort. He decided that he had had enough of us and left. I shared with Eva the response I received from the universe, and she loved it. It felt like a reciprocal acknowledgement of each other.
We had a look around the ruins for a while. Eva spotted that all the houses were actually facing the mountain with which I felt such kinship. So the ancient people who lived here were also affected by that particular mountain! We were starting to feel tired so we went back to the hotel which was right on the edge of the ruins – we had booked a room there as part of our itinerary. We appreciated the quiet and seclusion of the hotel room – but found the Aztec patterns on the curtains, carpet and bedspread too much – they were all moving. We calmed down a bit by having a shower – more water on my head. Eventually we felt well enough to venture down to the dining room.
It transpired that the rate for the room we had booked included a free dinner and free alcohol. All the other diners were in various states of inebriation and the staff found it hard to understand why we did not want to drink any alcohol. We made it clear that all we wanted was a clear chicken consommé and a platter of fruit – which to our delight they served us with quite quickly. We slept soundly that night and although a little weary felt fine the next day.
Next on our itinerary was another ayahuasca trip in Iquitos. So we flew from Cuzco to Lima and from there onto Iquitos. On the plane I was writing up our experience at Machu Picchu and
I suddenly realised that I had always relied on Eva to guide me, but this had actually not been happening for a while. As I thought about it I realised that her guidance had ceased at the end of the six-week I mastered. She had been so pissed off at me as a Master that it had broken that part of our relationship. As we talked about it we realised that it was also the six week that caused Eva to be so opposed to me being a spiritual teacher. And it was this combination of closures that had allowed Fanny to find a way into our lives. We both felt that this break had been healed at Machu Picchu. It also became clear that as well as the orange chairs episode we were in unequal roles too long and although I fulfilled my role as a Master, our relationship could not absorb it. But now Eva and I are both accepting this amazing energy and spiritual depth to which I have access. And we can now work together to have it in the world. It is Eva that has to ‘direct’ me using this energy – it’s not just that she knows me – it’s that we have to do it together. This pattern started at the end of 1998 and has only now in January 2006 been repaired and healed – it took us more than 7 years!
Eva and I had been in the role of Master-participant many times. It was very easy on a three day Intensive. We had got away with it when Eva participated in several two week Intensives with me. However six weeks was simply too long in the unequal roles – something had to give. Although we often talked about it as “the orange chairs episode” that was not accurate. Anything could have triggered the crisis, it just happened to be the removal of two orange chairs. But it was inevitable that we had to sort out being so unequal for so long. It was a relief to have it finally sorted and cleared away.
We met up with Yuri in Iquitos and once more joined a group with Hamilton. This time his teacher, Alberto, was also present and the ceremonies were now held in a compound a short drive from Iquitos. Our principal aim in going again was for Eva to face ‘her madness’; more realistically her fear of mental illness given that her mother and two sisters all succumbed to it. So my main intention was to support Eva in whatever way she required.
During the first ayahuasca trip I realised that I was totally and utterly exhausted. I also kept having thoughts like “why am I doing this to myself again?” and “you don’t have to do this anymore”. I was so tired, so very tired. Later Hamilton gave me a healing and said that I was full of power and fear. I said “I am afraid that if I let out my full power I may injure others.” His healing allowed me to shake and I realised that some of the fear I was carrying came directly and indirectly, from my mother. I experienced her fear in the womb and as a child was terrified of her hitting and shaking me. During the second ceremony I decided to not have any ayahuasca. I was pleased I made that decision because that was the night when Hamilton was psychically attacked and Alberto’s attention was entirely on Hamilton – it meant that no one had their attention on the group. I thought of intervening a few times when people obviously needed help, but decided it was best if I simply stayed with Eva and ensured she was OK.
Eva gained strength from each of the ceremonies. In the third ceremony I felt I had mastered the drug; I could ask questions, receive answers and all without feeling battered by it. At one point I asked “what is it about me and power?” and the answer was “you just have very strong personal power and have to accept you have it. If you don’t you will use it unconsciously and cause injury.” Another time I asked what it had to teach me and received the answer “you don’t have to do this anymore.” In fact I have not had any ayahuasca since that time in Iquitos, so I finally accepted the message.
After we left Iquitos I spent time reflecting on the last two weeks, including the San Pedro trip and the four ayahuasca ceremonies.
What I got from the trips were (a) I have amazing energy (b) the transformation with the kundalini release in 1982 was very profound (c) I am powerful and need to accept it. In short an incredibly positive reflection of myself. And yet I am struggling to accept it. I can‘t believe it is true. I get these really positive messages every time that I self inspect, every time I explore with drugs, when I was on the Satori event – it is continuous and consistent. So why don’t I let it in?
Is it a residual of my worthlessness trip? Is it because I was really awful in some previous life? At what level is this only-just-conscious attitude operating and holding me up? How much of this is because Eva has not been accepting me for the last seven years? I think I unconsciously knew that being a spiritual teacher would deepen the rift between us. I know that whatever I do I want to go there with Eva. I feel that is now possible with her. She is seeing me as powerful and amazing, so I can let her guide me in what I do.
We completed our round-the-world trip by going to Santiago, then Auckland, Sydney, Adelaide, Singapore, Bangkok and then home. In Adelaide I facilitated a systems workshop and gave a presentation about System Failure. In Bangkok I saw Brian, Eva’s ex-husband, and spent a few days exploring the sex sights with him. I rejoined Eva in Singapore for the last leg of our journey home.
What struck me strongly reading my journal for the period after we came home, was the frequency with which I was commenting on how positive Eva is being toward me.
In my meditation I observed my resistance to accepting positive feedback. I notice I like being with people who hold me in high regard, I need acknowledgement from the outside – and yet I find it hard to accept. Eva is so forthright. Last night she said “Any woman who is a real woman will fancy you.” Later she said “you are the most amazing, the most deeply spiritual person I have ever met.” She also let on that she thought I was amazing from when she first met me. I am not used to anyone close to me being so positive about me. It was one of the ways that Fanny got to me. I really like it a lot – but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.
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(our friends) experienced Eva as being a lot more present and “in her skin”. The big shift for me is how much more she loves me and showers me with compliments and positive feedback. It is really striking to me how positive she is toward me and how much closer we feel all the time. Talking about it this morning we traced it back to the San Pedro trip at Machu Picchu.
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The other thing that struck me was how Eva and I are having a much better time sexually. We are a lot more open and raunchy together. I think this is because we have deepened our relationship – a key part being the breakthrough at Machu Picchu.
Despite this flow of admiration an old issue was emerging once again. Prior to the six week in 1998 my wise man advised me to set aside an issue with Eva saying “there will be plenty of time after the Intensive to sort it out.” That issue was the imbalance in our relationship. I adored Eva and was happy to serve her almost all the time. However, when I became exhausted I noticed that she was contributing much less than I around the house and garden – and I resented it. Most times I raised the issue Eva would step up and start to do more – but not on a sustained basis. I was becoming depressed about it because I could not see a way to resolve the issue on a long term basis.
We went to another Golden Delicious party in May and when we were both high on ecstasy I found a way to communicate my concerns to Eva in a way that was not threatening. In the process I also saw that me doing too much was a deep pattern for me, going all the way back to me trying to please my mother. Although I didn’t relate to Eva as my mother I was falling into the trap of doing too much – which I did with pretty well everything I took on. So as well as Eva agreeing to do more I committed to doing less and doing my best to avoid exhausting myself.
I continued to reflect on my issue of doing too much. One obvious problem was that I loved all the stuff I do – I didn’t regard the gardening or the repair work or my intellectual activities as a chore. If I gave any up I would regard that as a significant loss. I also recognised that I had a strong ethic that “if I can make a contribution, then I do so without questioning.” I also recognised that I was devoted to serving others and remembered the significance of the Bodhisattva vow I bumped into in 1985. So if I wanted to do less I had to find new ways of dealing with these core motivations.
A few days later I visited my wise man for advice. He said:
It is amazing watching you grow and unfold. Yes, you are changing your relationship to power and to love and to the Divine and your subjective experience is confusing, it’s bound to be. Every now and then you catch a glimpse of what’s happening, as when Eva told you that you were amazing, like when you spotted your power in New Scotland Yard, like seeing your genius, your attractiveness and your love. You are becoming more yourself and it is amazing you are allowing it to happen. Being real and authentic is what gets to everyone. Drugs can help with this because you sometimes get caught or stuck in a smaller self. You use drugs to open up to love and a larger sense of yourself – that’s why they help you.
In July Eva and I co-Mastered a two week Intensive at the venue, not far from home, where I had attended the Satori event a year earlier. It was one of the best two weeks I had been involved with. It was strange sharing the Master role with Eva for a while, but it also took a lot of the stress away for me and allowed me to have more rests. For Eva it was an eye-opener. She had Mastered twenty three day Intensives, but had not been attracted to running longer ones – largely because she found it difficult to sleep when stressed. She could cope for three days without much sleep, but not for two weeks. Anyway, she now discovered that on a long Intensive there is a much deeper engagement with the trips and resistances of the participants. She was surprised by this and deeply impressed at how I handled all the crises that arose. Before the half way point it was obvious that the love and flow between Eva and I was adding significantly to the process of the Intensive.
Toward the end of the Intensive I was strongly reminded of the Bodhisattva vow, partly because I told the same story as I told in 1985 to this group. However, this time I talked openly to the group about how I was still working out the implications of the vow in my own life. It seemed clear that running Intensives was a direct way of seeking to liberate others. However it was also clear that at some point I needed a new way of fulfilling the vow. Eva’s recognition of what I did as a Master on a long Intensive completed the healing of the rift created by the six week. It also shifted Eva’s attitude toward people having experiences of the Divine. Previously she shied away from talking to them; if I was monitoring for her she would often get me to carry out that interview. However on this two week she was caught unawares early on by a participant having a beautiful experience. It clearly touched her deeply and from then on she was very willing to interview people having experiences. It changed her attitude and approach to deep contact – for which I was the future beneficiary.
Next.
A Master's Path 