In late 2003 I received an email from Yuri who said he had read Tell Me Who You Are and this had had a profound effect on him. He would like to come and talk to me about his experience. Eva recognised his name as someone who was a well known movement therapist, and thought I should respond positively. When we moved to Ashill we knew that we wanted to make some new friends, we had outgrown many at the University and in the therapy world, but did not quite know how to do so. This was an obvious opportunity.
When Yuri arrived Eva was put off by his appearance and almost the first thing she said to him was “I hope you are not staying for lunch”. It didn’t look as if he took offence; much later he told us that Eva’s honesty struck him as refreshing. Anyway he and I had a good conversation for the next few hours and agreed that Eva and I should come to meet him and Sheila early in 2004. This we did and despite Eva mistaking Sheila for the cleaner, we had a fabulous evening sharing the stories of our respective relationships. In fact we talked solidly from about 6pm until 2am in the morning. We were excited by each other and recognised our mutual commitment to self awareness and personal growth.
The next time we spent with Yuri and Sheila was at Yuri’s 40th birthday party. It was quite a big event, there were probably 100 people or so in their house and a large marquee in the garden. Quite early in the proceedings someone came around to everyone offering them an ecstasy pill. Eva and I had a small ecstasy experience in Sydney at a millennium party, but this was the first time we had experienced a full dose. It was fabulous. We basically talked very intensely together for the next 6 hours. What we both noticed then, and have exploited ever since, is that under the influence of ecstasy we were willing and able to say difficult things to each other in a way that did not cause injury. Quite the opposite in fact, it helped us understand each other more profoundly.
Almost the first thing I said to Eva was how I felt rejected by her, in particular how I felt she rejected my intense love that I felt and expressed toward her. She immediately agreed that this was what had been happening and apologised profusely. She said that she wanted to love me that much. She also said that a core reason why she did not want me to be a spiritual teacher was because she had completely had it with groups. She had been surprised at the power people gave her in groups and did not feel good about how she had used that power sometimes. However the main focus of the conversation was about what happened on the six week and since then.
Eva felt that I had made more progress by being the Master than she had made as a participant. As a result, she felt that she had been trying to catch up for the last five years. She was grateful that I had backed off from being a spiritual teacher years earlier. I realised that I was pleased as well because it was something I wanted to do with Eva, not in opposition. A few times our conversation returned to issues when we had had arguments that were not fully resolved – for example when she felt she lost the role of being the ‘belle of the ball’ in my eyes. Each time we returned to such an issue we were able to clear it up very quickly. It was an amazing time for us to really “re-pair our relationship”.
I continued to receive long emails from Fanny urging me to be more of a spiritual teacher. She even recruited five more people to join her as my students. Here is an extract from one example:
Well I really hope you are getting your head around being more of a spiritual teacher my dear, because from where I am sitting there is a big shift going on in the way people I know want you to be involved in their path. We had Beryl here over the weekend and I sat up with her until 4am talking about intensives, meditating truth, you, Eva and the whole student teacher dynamic. Her energy is phenomenal at the moment and I think we did each other a lot of good. Then this week Jennie goes through a profound shift in her level of commitment to truth as well (big round of applause for surrender yoga) and the role you have in her life comes up as a big issue. And Harry and I are sitting up until far too late at night talking about it all too. I don’t know how much you are feeling affected by all this at your end, but I keep getting clobbered by intense high energy conversations with people going through all sorts of deep stuff about you. It’s pretty full on, and it hasn’t happened to this degree before. What is interesting is that Jennie and Beryl are going through stages and crises concerning you that I went through several years ago, almost identically.
In June 2004 I wrote a paper Being a Spiritual Teacher that set out all my thoughts, doubts and concerns about taking on the role. Writing the paper was cathartic, I ended up feeling very energized. My main conclusion was that in order to avoid the delusion trap it was essential to remain open to feedback from anyone; my students, my friends, my colleagues. I should not dismiss any comments on the grounds that the other person was not sufficiently aware, did not understand me or any such excuse – because all such excuses simply isolate me from feedback. I sent the paper to a wide range of colleagues, including Satya and Skanda, who had obviously accepted being spiritual teachers for a large part of their lives. I was overwhelmed by the positive comments and support I received. It seemed as though I was on the right track.
I continued to be in a very good state for the next few months; it reminded me of the state I was in after the 6-week in California. By September the penny had dropped – I was experiencing a mild kundalini release once more. Here is a part of my journal entry on this:
So I have been feeling I am back in the love state I experienced after the 6-week in 1982 – it’s because, like then my kundalini is operating – and that’s what makes the love and crying and joy so intense. How could I check this out? If this is real then what else would I expect or notice? The intensity of my love and lovingness is quite clearly UP – and it is to do with me radiating and frequently balling my eyes out in sympathy for suffering in the world. It seems that the experience I had in 1982 opened a channel in me, one that becomes active, for example, when I run Intensives. It can happen when I love Eva deeply, sometimes when I feel really good about myself. It can happen sometimes when I’m stoned. Its intensity varies and is not as consistent as after the 6-week. This isn’t an enlightened state – it is a love-energy state and happens to people after they have had a powerful experience. It’s what I’ve always wanted to be – and serves my goal of wanting to bring more love into the world.
I was 60 in October of 2004. My celebrations were spread over a few months. At another party at Yuri and Sheila’s place I was at the receiving end of attention from some very gorgeous young women. One of these women, supported by Sheila, challenged Eva about letting in how much I loved her. I thought that Eva was being more subdued than usual – but there was also some truth in the challenge – Eva was finding it hard to let in my love for her.
On the weekend of my birthday we took over a small hotel close to Ashill and had a weekend of partying with 10 close friends. We had dinners in London for my Intensive colleagues and another dinner in Milton Keynes for friends and family there. Although I enjoyed all the parties I also noticed that reaching 60 years old felt like entering old age. For some time I had noticed an increasing decline in my physical strength and stamina; being 60 crystallised this in some way.
In November Eva went to Australia to help sort out accommodation for her sister Alex. I was invited to go to Tom and Beryl’s house for an ecstasy party with them and Harry and Fanny. When I arrived there it turned out that Tom was too unwell to participate, so the evening was just with Beryl, Fanny, Harry and I. It was a very intense evening. Here are the main points from my journal entry when I returned home.
Right now I feel very lonely, I wish Eva was here with me. It was a fabulous e-trip together. Fanny couldn’t keep her hands off me, she owned being very strongly sexually attracted to me. During the trip she draped herself over me and at one point I licked her very enticing ear. At one point Beryl broke down and told us how desperate and grief stricken she was about Tom’s illness. She talked non-stop for about 5 hours; it was the first time I had heard about how awful her childhood had been.
They were all bowled over by the change in me. They commented on more energy, more love, greater presence – they also said it makes me look a lot younger and they love it. They all said they couldn’t get enough of me and felt privileged to be with me. Eva was talked about quite often as well. I saw that I might be putting her in a bind by insisting we do everything together when she might not want to join me in this spiritual teacher role.
The next weekend I spent with Harry and Fanny at their house, taking ecstasy once more. The first evening we were joined by another couple who were engaged with Intensives and the next day by Joe, Eva’s son, and his girlfriend. At some point Harry said that he saw love pouring out of me, and he couldn’t stand it! I was reminded of Eva who had been saying the same for a while. I enjoyed exploring relating in different ways using ecstasy. I also received a lot more feedback about how I was changing, being more loving and vulnerable and softer. Shortly after I returned home I had a surprising and moving time alone. I got stoned and as I pondered what was going on with me I reconnected to Peter, who I had been for the first 34 years of my life. I felt a strong integration of who he had been and who I had now become. I was also strongly reminded of previous times when I had been overwhelmed by love.
It felt as though I was re-experiencing being Love on my first Intensive. I lay down and gave myself the instruction ‘ just be yourself’ and immediately felt this wave of bliss. So I said ‘allow yourself to be it again’ and there was another wave of pure bliss. It is an accessible state of being myself in which I feel waves of bliss and overwhelming love. It’s almost unbearable.
A week later Eva returned from Australia. She was struck by the state I was in – she liked it and wanted to know more about what had been going on. We got stoned on Saturday evening and Eva quizzed me in great detail about everything that happened when I was taking ecstasy with Fanny around. At one point I confessed that I was missing Fanny – which freaked Eva out. I was able to reassure her, and answer all her questions. She was satisfied that I had not transgressed any boundaries – but she also made it clear that she wanted me to herself. She did not want me spending time with other people, especially attractive young women, at the expense of our time together. I liked hearing this and reassured her that she was queen of my heart and that nothing and no one could ever change that. The next day we had an ecstasy trip, just the two of us. It was a lovely sensual time – and we talked non-stop for 11 hours! Eva was also determined to be more open to my love than Fanny – which I also loved hearing. I was also aware that I had a deep longing to be touched – especially when high on ecstasy. It was a deep craving that I guessed came from my childhood.
In a later conversation about this craving I realized I also had a desire to be desired by a woman. This was part of what I gained from Fanny, she obviously really desired me.
And Eva is into it totally – but she wasn’t before she went away. She confided that this was her sense of inadequacy. She knew that I wanted to be desired and she felt that she had lost the capacity to desire me. Now it is all there, her love and her desire. Eva noticed that to let more of my love in she had to deal with sordid and painful things in her past – including when her first husband was unfaithful to her. She told me about some awful times – times when she closed down her capacity for loving and being loved.
With hindsight it is clear that this is a good example of something that we noticed repeatedly during our relationship; namely that when one of us makes a significant shift in awareness then the other has to make an equivalent move. And all moves in awareness involve facing stuff that has, until then, been in the way. In many ways Fanny was Eva’s worst nightmare; an attractive young woman falling in love with me, wanting me sexually and making profound contact with me. However I have emerged as someone that Eva can trust; I am not going to be unfaithful to her even when sorely tempted. This has helped Eva be more open to me – and to our mutual delight, has returned her to being this sexual, radiating woman. I don’t know which of us was more delighted by the return of her sexuality!
One of the consequences for me of the weekend spent taking ecstasy with Beryl, Fanny and Harry, was that I became aware of how serious Tom’s illness was. I had the distinct impression that he was expecting to die, that he had given up hope of recovery. I was unwilling to accept this and thought that the best way to address the issue was with the new wonder drug ecstasy. Eva was more skeptical, but was willing to join me in a trip to Tom and Beryl’s place. Tom was willing to explore the use of ecstasy because he held me in such high regard. In the event it worked fabulously. When he was high Tom had to go the bathroom and whilst there looked at himself in the mirror – and smiled. It was the first time for a long while that he had smiled. When he came back into the room he announced “I’m back” – not just from the bathroom but from the despondency that had been gripping him. For the next four hours he and Beryl talked about all the things they had been avoiding, including talking about his illness.
Toward the end of January 2005 I had a good session with my wise man. I asked him what it meant to be a spiritual teacher and whether this could be combined with friendship. He said:
When you Mastered Intensives you developed the role far beyond that described in the training manuals. In particular you engaged with people more deeply, inspired them more and were able to surrender enough to allow love to flow. You could teach your students, all of whom have trained as Masters, how to be better Masters. You do not have a clear contract with your students – so negotiate one. Ask each person what they want of you and the parameters under which they will accept guidance from you.
The lack of love in your early life distorted your development. You became very self sufficient, self reliant and self contained. These strengths have served you well. But now they are a barrier to noticing the effect that you have on others, to noticing when they love you. So now you need to pay attention to these issues and allow your self-containment to fall apart a bit.
The next weekend we went to another ecstasy party at Harry and Fanny’s house. Tom and Beryl were there, so too were the other couple I had previously had ecstasy with there. Eva had died her hair black and was wearing black leather gear; she was determined to claim her man and see the other woman off! At one point in the evening someone asked Eva to teach them about mind clearing. Eva said “well why not right now”. She said “A core practice in mind clearing is called guilt clearing, it helps the person’s mind become less rigid and more open to change.” She then turned to Tom and said “Tell me something that, in your own estimation, you should not have done.” I realized that this might be a bit much for anyone to handle when off their head on ecstasy surrounded by other people (the technique is usually done in a one-to-one session.) So I said, “Tom you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” He thanked me and suggested that he give the instruction to Eva. She agreed so he said to her “Tell me something that you have done that, in your own estimation you should not have done”. Eva thought for quite a while. There was silence in the room. Then she turned to me and said, “When I was monitoring for you years ago, when I was in love with Piers, I left the Intensive, went to a phone box, called him up and told him I was missing him.” Eva started to cry. She then said, a lot more quietly, “I am really sorry I did that. I will never deceive you again.” We were in deep contact, I could see the remorse and sadness in her eyes, and she could see the love and acceptance in mine. We hugged and kissed. Then Eva said to the group, “that’s an example of how guilt clearing works!” Despite Fanny being very provocative toward me, including showing me her new pink thong, it was clear to both Eva and I that she posed no threat at all to what we had. Later, when we were reflecting on all that had happened we were struck by the symmetry. Eva had been distressed by me missing Fanny shortly after her return from Australia; now she had confessed to me missing Piers seventeen years earlier!
During the ecstasy party Beryl, Harry and Tom all told me how their engagement with me had totally changed their lives. Later in the week, when Eva and I were stoned again, I let this in and realized it was what I had always wanted. I cried with gratitude. Then I realized how much I missed the opportunity to help people change their lives – and especially how I missed that contact with the Divine in others. It became really clear that I needed to do something about this – and Intensives were an obvious way forward.
Around this time I noticed that my energy which had been running so high for the last 9 months, was slowing down. In my journal I refer to the energy release as being due to kundalini, largely because it was associated with a lot of love and intense contact with others. However it was not like any other kundalini episode I experienced. Now, with the wisdom of hindsight, I am less convinced that it was only a kundalini episode. I think that is how it started, but then it changed. And the most likely candidate for the change and continuation of high energy is ecstasy. It is not unusual for people taking ecstasy for the first time to experience a period of euphoria. One of the reasons that I still like having ecstasy with other people is that it puts them into a state where I can easily make loving contact with them. For me the ecstasy state feels like an exaggeration of where I am most of the time. So it is possible that taking ecstasy opened a channel in me that was already partially open and resulted in me having a lot more energy than usual. Regardless of the cause, the high energy state ‘with love pouring out my eyes’ was now over.
The weekend before Valentine’s Day we went to a three day party, called Golden Delicious, held in a large rambling hotel near Hay-on-Wye. Yuri and Sheila were introducing a dance session on Saturday evening and enabled us to buy tickets. It was an amazing party at which we met a host of people who would become good party mates over the next decade. Eva was a little nervous about me flirting – because I was very confident and she was not – yet. However on the first night she noticed that a large number of sexy young men were giving her the eye, so she quickly found her confidence. We were totally accepted by the people there, indeed to a degree we stole the show– we were the Golden Oldies. At one stage, toward the end of Yuri’s introductory session, we were totally engrossed dancing together. When the music finally stopped we looked around and discovered that we were in the centre of a circle of people admiring us and our love for each other.
When we were digesting the two weekends, one with Harry and Fanny and the other at Golden Delicious we started to discuss whether I wanted Eva to support me for a period being a spiritual teacher.
We also talked about how to handle Fanny. Her intrusion into our relationship is quite separate from my process of serving the Divine (it only became enmeshed because Fanny pushed for me to be her spiritual teacher). I do not want to cause Eva any distress or discomfort and I don’t need any other woman intruding on my relationship with Eva.
What was significant about this was that we were clearly on the same side about it all. Over the next few months the email exchanges between Fanny, Harry and I became more fraught and I started to be stressed by the relationship. With hindsight I think Fanny sensed Eva and I were together again about my role and she was losing her ‘special relationship’ with me. For whatever reason she became more demanding and at the same time did not share what was happening for her, so I was not able to provide any useful input. After another few months I had had enough and formally ended my commitment to being a spiritual teacher to Harry and Fanny – and felt relieved.
The next weekend we stayed with Yuri and Sheila and took some ayahuasca together. I had obtained the ‘medicine’ from Hawaii more than a year earlier, and Yuri had recently had some in a ceremony in California. So we set aside an evening to explore what this new drug could teach us. We had a lot of fun and Yuri was clearly in his element organizing the ceremony. I remember at one point lying on the floor and saying to myself, “I’m not getting up until I figure out exactly where I went wrong with Fanny.” It took what seemed like a long time, though probably only 5 – 10 minutes. What I realized was that what caused the mess was the sexual attraction between Fanny and I. What I did was get to a position where I knew I could have her sexually if I chose to do so. And she wanted and allowed that. This was not crossing a physical boundary, but was completely out of order toward both Eva and Harry.
A few weeks later there is a significant shift recorded in my journal.
In this morning’s meditation I realized what an amazing man I am. I am really intelligent and able to be with the very smartest people in academia, politics and business. I am a really good looking potent man. I have had profound spiritual experiences and am one of the best Masters of Intensives in the world. I have a stunning array of practical skills; gardening, building, electronics, painting and writing. I have profoundly influenced people and have changed the world in small ways. In owning all this I can rest and relax; I don’t have to prove anything. And I saw that in all the important domains I feel met by Eva. She is a fantastic, strong, competent, intelligent, witty and amazing woman. I want to acknowledge her abilities and qualities more.
When we talked last night we had a string of useful insights. The first was about how intelligent I think Eva is – even though she hides it behind a bimbo image. We saw that she is ‘coming out of hiding’ a lot more – including sexually and as an author. Eva played a blinder in relation to the whole Fanny episode. She let me know exactly what she felt, she insisted on certain boundaries and let me know she wanted me to herself. She was stunning throughout. I was mortified that I had hurt her at all – and said sorry to her once more.
Eva and I gained an enormous amount from the whole episode. We are closer, more open and in love than ever before. In a way the events forced Eva out of hiding – she is shining so brightly now. It is wonderful. Eva and I are a real match for each other; we are both exceptional people.
At this point I wrote a paper setting out my experience of being a spiritual teacher and confessing the trouble I had walked into. That paper is the content of the next chapter. It describes both my spiritual direction, which was not toward personal liberation, and the real issues that had arisen as a result of taking on a teacher role. However before that it is worth describing one more ecstasy experience, one of the very best. I have deliberately left this paper with the content I wrote in 2005, even though you, as reader of this book, know to whom I am referring in it.
As a result of going to the Golden Delicious party in February we were able to obtain an invite to an exclusive festival held in the grounds of the Kimberley Hall stately home. We borrowed a friend’s camper van and arrived at the venue Friday lunch time. That evening we were delighted by an opening ceremony and shortly after by an exciting cabaret. Saturday was spent exploring the site, flirting and dressing up for the group photograph. Then, after an amazing light show, we went to the dance event after taking some ecstasy. There were two large marquees outside the house with music, but the main events were in the tractor barn and the cellars. In all there were eight separate dance areas with an amazing chill-out space at one end of the cellars. We had a ball. We engaged in conversations with complete strangers, hugged and smooched a lot and danced a lot. We loved it all through the night. At 6am the next morning the music went off and we made our way across the lawn to the campsite as dawn was breaking. The next day there was more flirting, talking and getting to know people. We met some of the people we had first met at Golden Delicious and once more we felt accepted and appreciated. What made it significant for Eva and I was that it was an opportunity to spend a long time together having a great time. And every now and then a complete stranger would come up to us and say how they really loved seeing us together, seeing the love between us and the joy we shared – which for a couple of people in their sixties was inspiring to them. We were surprised and affirmed by these random complements. During Sunday afternoon Eva had herself made up by someone she knew. I do like eye make-up in any form, but this was grotesque. There were great swirls of peacock blue paint exaggerating the shape of her eyes. I found I could hardly see Eva at all. I was upset because I thought I would have to put up with this abomination all evening. Eva became annoyed that I was upset. We talked about it for a while and in an angry and frustrated voice she finally said “well if you dislike it so much why don’t you just get rid of it!” I jumped at the chance and basically licked the paint off her face. She was visibly moved by the tenderness that I showed in the process. She removed the mascara and eye-liner herself and we went to the dance tent a lot more together. As we danced I noticed this young man, who looked a lot like Robbie Williams, eyeing Eva. I pointed him out to Eva and she was embarrassed to see such a good looking guy coming for her. The man and I exchanged looks and he knew that it was OK if he flirted with Eva, which he proceeded to do for the next half hour or so. Eva loved it. And she was stunned that someone like him would have come to dance with her when she didn’t have any eye make-up on! It was a fabulous ending to a wonderful weekend. It was the first of eight festivals at Kimberley that we went to.
Next.
A Master's Path 