Shortly after Eva returned from Australia toward the end of 2000 I received an offer to contribute to a review of the efficient use of resources, particularly energy, in an outfit called the Performance and Innovation Unit (PIU) in the Cabinet Office. I asked a good friend who worked as a researcher in the House of Commons whether the PIU was a good place to work or simply another talking shop. My friend responded that the PIU was where everyone in politics wanted to work. It was run by Tony Blair’s strategy advisor, Geoff Mulgan, and was instrumental in formulating long term policy.
Before I went to work in the PIU for the first time I realised that I was nervous. I knew I was as smart as anyone in the academic world, and I also knew I could hold my own in the business world. But I was not so sure in the world of politics and the civil service. I heard that a lot of very bright people took a career in the civil service – and I was going to be working with a select group. Would I measure up? I was reassured on the first day when two of the other members of the team owned that they had been profoundly influenced by books I had written; one on energy policy, the other on resources. On an ‘away day’ we were given an exercise that involved us all reading a description of a disaster ( major fire in a long road tunnel under the alps) and then coming to a collective decision about what we should do. I quickly saw that we were all proposing ideas based upon the particular fantasy that reading the story had set off in our mind. There was insufficient detail in the text to choose between the stories we had each created – they were all completely plausible. However they were different and we could argue all day about what to do if we didn’t share the same story. So I explained this to the group and suggested we just pick someone’s story as the one we would all go with and then figure out what to do. This completely resolved the debate and enabled the team to quickly decide how to act. Later we were congratulated as the team that completed the exercise the fastest. So now I knew that I was at least as attentive and/or intelligent as any of the others – and I relaxed.
About a year later I attended a systems conference at the University and was surprised to find Geoff Mulgan, the man from the PIU, giving a presentation. It turned out he was quite a fan of systems thinking and thought it could be applied to the policy process in government. He and I had several conversations about this. Geoff had set up an influential think-tank, Demos¸that had contributed a lot of ideas to the Blair government. He now suggested I write a pamphlet for Demos setting out the application of systems ideas to government policy.
Although Eva and I were continuing to be close and enjoy being together there were shadows on the relationship. Eva started menopause in late 1999 and this knocked her sense of being a sexy woman. She put on weight and became mildly addicted to watching Countdown, a daytime TV show. This reduced, but did not stop, our sex life. For much of early 2001 she was preparing for Sophi’s wedding; making the dress, the wedding cake, her own outfit and organising where everyone could stay. Despite this our relationship continued to grow as we spent more time together.
Day after day I just feel that life could not be any better. I love doing physical work in the mornings, sawing logs, digging, fixing the drive, emptying compost bins – I love it all and gain a sense of well being as a bonus. Then I spend the rest of the day with Eva. Each day I feel closer to her, her more in my heart and me in hers. Issues come up, we own them, play with them, make adjustments and get back to loving each other all the time.
We were also frequently spending a stoned evening together, always with the intention of furthering our mutual understanding, sometimes addressing specific issues. Here are two examples of the sorts of insights that kept us steadily improving our awareness and mutual understanding.
We were stoned last night for the first time in two weeks. We started talking about the difficult letter Eva had received from her sister Val. Eva saw that this is what had made her less available, started the cycle of not sleeping well and having an upset stomach. She also saw that researching her book was churning up stuff – especially about her mother. We both understood that Eva had set out to heal her family and what has arisen between her and Val is exactly what needs to be healed.
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We got stoned last night and had two interesting discussions. One was about Eva’s relationship with her father. She saw that it was she, Eva, who suppressed her sexuality. Her father did impose controls on what she could do, but he was tolerant until the issue of her leaving home arose.
The other was around people’s perception that I control Eva. People who made this error seriously under-estimated Eva, totally misread our relationship and often confused control and leadership. Eva thought this last point was subtle but very important. She used the example of me at Demos where I am clearly an intellectual leader but in control of nothing.
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By July 2001 it was clear that Eva’s dad was seriously ill, so she returned to Australia once more to look after him. We had organised a holiday in Sardinia with another couple. We decided that I would go on the holiday and Eva would join me if she could. Once the holiday was over I might then go to Australia to help her look after her dad. Eva was able to join me in Sardinia for the last week of the holiday, however the day after we returned to the UK she received a call from her sister in Australia to say that her father had died in his sleep. Eva was devastated, she so wanted to be with him to the end. After unpacking and repacking her bags she returned to Australia once again to organise the funeral and her father’s affairs. She would be away for another month.
The time that Eva was away I found myself working quite intensely on the PIU project, the Demos pamphlet and consultancy work for my business, NES. I was doing three jobs again! How did that happen?
Toward the end of 2001 Eva and I returned to Australia to sort out arrangements for her ill sister Alexandria. Alex had a history of mental illness and was under the jurisdiction of the Victorian State Trustees (VST). However they were not providing her with the accommodation or resources she needed and were even hinting that they might challenge Eva’s dad’s Will in order to obtain more money from the estate. With the help of the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal (VCAT) we took the VST to court and had her care organised by the accountant managing part of Eva’s dad’s estate. This marked the beginning of a period when Eva was the primary person helping Alex find places to live and manage her affairs. Eva was grateful for the contributions I made to writing the court papers and preparing a strong case. We were able to reconnect when taking a holiday in Australia before the court hearing. We had been apart a lot during the year and both of us had experienced significant stress.
During this period I also started to receive long emails and requests for help from Fanny, the wife of Harry who was the heroin addict I confronted and held on the 6-week Intensive. I had continued to help Harry both emotionally and practically with financial support whilst he went into rehab. Now I noticed that Fanny was having a kundalini release and this was affecting her in a number of weird ways and was able to offer some practical guidance. She was also into me being a spiritual teacher. Here is an example of what she wrote:
I started thinking about this whole spiritual teacher thing. I thought that what you seem able to do is demystify the whole Truth/Enlightenment thing and make it really seem something accessible, and accessible to anyone. And combined with that is the faith you appear to have in others that they’ll get it. That is what I have got from you that has allowed me to take what felt like enormous risks at the time, with beneficial results, to say the least. I don’t just mean in connection with Intensives either. I think you make “living well” accessible and possible, which is nothing short of a miracle as far as I am concerned. I’ve definitely been motivated by seeing where you’ve got with it.
But what I find so intriguing is that you so obviously don’t have all the answers, and you are so clearly vulnerable and struggling with stuff. And it’s that, combined with what I said earlier, that makes me feel like you are quite extraordinarily inspiring. So please continue.
By the middle of the year, after pondering the issue over and over, I came to the conclusion that in practice I was already acting as Fanny and Harry’s spiritual teacher. I was teaching them techniques, like the wise man process, and answering their questions about their practice. So I wrote and accepted them as students. This was not OK with Eva. She objected quite strongly to me formally taking on students, mostly on the grounds that our life was already very full and any additional activity on my part would decrease our time together. I gave her reassurance that this would not be the result, but Eva remained opposed to the move. Fanny was delighted and sent ever longer emails. Here is an extract from one:
Part of the reason I tell you about getting whacked by love for you is that I don’t think you realise the effect you have on others, and telling you what goes on for me in this respect seems like one way in which I can help you be more aware of your impact. I have checked it out a great deal through my Wise Man, I talk honestly about it with other people who know you well like Beryl and Harry and I have also had insights that I trust through meditation.
The other day in my meditation, I was lying there peacefully, my thoughts just meandering along and you came up, but with no particular state attached, when suddenly l get a memory of you sitting quietly at our table and I see your eyes – not eye contact, just these profoundly beautiful eyes in this quiet bloke sitting at the table. A sense of looking at Divine presence just takes my breath away and proceeds to wipe the floor with me in no time at all. With that recognition I connect with something, some sense of deep gratitude or appreciation of my situation, which I see I have been out of touch with. I get how lucky I am, that I haven’t been appreciating how honoured I have been by the fact that you are deeply lovely and I am your student, as well as your first. It really got me. And it is not unusual for me to get whacked like that. Maybe it is idealisation, but it doesn’t feel like it. Harry and I talked about idealisation and transference this morning and I realised that both of those for me have an unmistakable quality of lack, of less than, of incomplete or insecure sense of self on my part. Well the sort of being affected by you that I have described above has, if anything, the opposite quality. It is that of realising the abundance of blessings in my life and saying yes, I acknowledge this, I accept it. There is a kind of surrender that goes on, but not to you. It is more like I surrender to the Divine choosing to come through you to me or the other way round.
Honey, I struggled with this enormously. My rationale went that if I perceived something so pure and indescribably beautiful in another as I kept clocking in you, that it was too good to be true – literally – and it must be an ‘ideal’ on my part. If I hadn’t argued the toss with my Wise Man and got the same answer every time, I would have stayed with this conclusion. As it was, I went to him and described examples similar to what I have told you above as well as my concerns that I was a total dysfunctional head-case with some major father issue to resolve, and he wasn’t having it. In fact, I am going to quote you here from my diary a month or two before you decided you were a spiritual teacher:
I feel embarrassed that I am so affected [by Jake] and worry that I idealise Jake as the perfect father or lover or some gruesome combination of the two. But when I did the Wise Man, he was adamantly ‘Nope. It’s the Truth shining through him you can see. You’ve spotted it correctly.’ I find it hard that I have so much faith in Jake’s potential, it really bugs me. Because I absolutely know he’s no enlightened guru, so why is it that I am attracted to him as a spiritual guide? The Wise Man again is firm: ‘Your faith in him is not misplaced.’
I was strongly affected by her obvious affection for me and how she perceived me. With hindsight it is obvious that my ego was caught. Fanny was an attractive 30 year old woman who was letting me know how she saw me as very desirable. But because the spiritual teacher issue had arisen in a number of different ways I was content to have the issue finally settled. I was also very naive in not understanding what was influencing me.
In 2003 we returned to the Ukraine to spend time with Lena and her family. We spent most of the trip with Lena and her family in Kharkiv and their Dacha. However we also returned to the village where Eva’s mother was born and met more of her relatives. One family, who grew all their own food and kept chickens, cows and ducks, were struggling to send their children to university because as school teachers they only earned $25 a month and it cost $500 to send someone to university for a year. When we heard this we resolved to help them send their daughter to University and, with Lena’s help, were able to provide the funds very quickly. They were shocked and delighted and extremely grateful; their intention in telling us their story had not been to gain financial support.
Wherever we went in the Ukraine the hospitality was overwhelming. We went for lunch to Lena’s parent’ flat in Kharkov where a feast was laid out. During the meal Lena’s sister, Tanya, leant across the table to pass something to me. As she leant forward I had a wonderful view of her well formed chest. I raised my eyebrows and said “That’s very pretty!” She looked at me in surprise, maybe she had not understood what I said, though her command of English was very good.
“Don’t worry”, said Eva, “he flirts with all pretty women”. Tanya visibly relaxed and gave both of us a lovely smile.
Later, when the meal was over, Tanya posed against the wall, making sure her chest was displayed to most advantage. She gave me a wicked look as she twisted her hips and bent one leg. Eva was amazed. Up to this point Tanya had been quite subdued and bit in the background at the family gatherings. Now she was not just flirting with me, she was a hot vamp.
The next day we all went to Lena’s parent’s Dacha where everyone was busy organising another lunch-time feast, this time for about 16 people. Lena said that we would be able to meet her father’s new boss – the man who owned a local flour mill and other businesses. The meal was had on a long table in the garden and the meat was cooked over a homemade barbecue. There was a lot of beer and vodka, as well as plates of different types of salads, cold meats and fish, breads and yogurt and cheese. During the preparation I enjoyed helping with the barbecue and continuing to flirt with Tayna and Lena, as well as regularly cuddling and kissing Eva.
Finally everything was ready and we all took our places along the table. I sat next to Eva, as I always chose. Opposite me was an auburn haired woman probably in her late thirties or early forties. She gave me a nice smile or two but spent most of the time looking quite sad and lonely. I tried to engage her in conversation and she knew enough English to enable us to have a friendly chat. After a while I said to Eva, “this woman looks like she needs a cuddle, I’m going to give her one”. With that I walked around the table and cuddled the woman from behind. She was obviously very pleased and smiled and laughed and exchanged words in Russian with Lena and some of the other women.
When I regained my seat Eva told me that the woman I had been cuddling was called Irena and was the wife of Volodya, the man who was Lena’s father’s boss. He had been staring at me quite intensely whilst I hugged his wife, I now understood why and hoped that I had not offended either of them. Later Eva told me that while I hugged Irena Lena had told her that Irena and Volodya had not had sex for the last two years and it was good that I was being affectionate toward her. I knew that in the Ukraine there was little distinction between successful businessmen and mafia bosses and I started to become worried! However Irena looked much happier and was talking animatedly to Lena whilst Eva and I talked. I continued to flirt with Lena and Tanya as well as hugging Eva as often as I could.
The rest of the dinner passed without incident, which was remarkable considering the amount of beer and vodka that was drunk, and as the party split up it was agreed that we would all go to the bayna together, the local sauna that had been booked by Lena for the next afternoon.
When we arrived at the banya the next day most of the people from the party already were there. It was traditional for all the men to go off to one steam room together, with a few beers, and for the women to go to a different steam room. There were also communal areas where the group could meet up. Now I could not speak any Russian, and none of the men could speak any English, all the English speaking Ukrainians were women (including Lena, Tanya and Irena). So it was agreed that I would go off with the women – to which I, and they, agreed enthusiastically. It was interesting being with half a dozen naked women, some of whom made no secret of staring at my genitals whilst we were in the sauna and showers. I was enjoying looking at so many attractive women!
When the time at the banya was over it was agreed that we would all go back to Volodya and Irena’s flat to continue the party. The flat was much better kept than other flats we had been in whilst in Kharkiv, reflecting Volodya’s success in making money. One of the rooms was cleared to make a dance area while in the adjacent room a table was laid out with food to eat as well as beer and vodka. We all had a really good time. At one point while we were dancing Tanya decided that she wanted to take my shirt off and was very insistent in helping me to remove it – I was not resisting the attention nor the very obvious flirt. Slowly we calmed down and all sat at the table eating the food that was laid out and drinking beer and vodka.
At these times it is traditional for people to make toasts to celebrate being together, to absent friends and so on. Towards the end of the evening Volodya indicated that he wanted to make a toast. Whenever anyone who could not speak English did this Lena would translate for us. So Volodya said a few words, Lena would translate, and then he would continue.
Volodya looked straight at me and said “I have been watching you with your wife”. After the pause for the translation he continued, “I have seen how you love her and how attentive you are to her, and how happy this makes her. I have decided that I will, from now on, pay more attention to my wife, and I hope to make her a happier woman.” As Lena finished her translation both Eva and I burst into tears, this was the last thing I expected from this man who could so easily have decided to be jealous or annoyed. Instead he was so open hearted and had recognised my lovingness. I thanked him profusely and we hugged warmly.
When I ceased running Intensives I foolishly said that if no-one else took up running long Intensives (i.e. more than 3-days) then I would be open to doing so. Although Tom and Beryl continued to run Intensives they were curtailed by a serious illness that Tom contracted. The upshot was that early in 2003 several people asked me to run a two week in the summer. I agreed to do so and found a venue that seemed suitable. It was probably the worst long Intensive that I ever ran. I was out of the rhythm of running Intensives, was more interested in ‘being myself’ than being the Master and made a significant number of errors. The venue was also not very good, and the food provided verged on the awful. There were also a few difficult participants, but nothing that I could not have handled 5 years earlier. It was clear that for a while at least I was the only person likely to run long Intensives in the UK, but I resolved that if I were to do so again I should Master a few 3-day Intensives first to re-enter the role of enlightenment Master.
By February 2004 Eva had finished the first draft of her book about her parents. However when I read the first draft I was upset by her portrayal of me! We were able to resolve the issue quite quickly, but for me it was part of a pattern of feeling unappreciated by Eva. There was also an underlying pattern of her being willing to accept less contact, sex and intimacy than I wanted. I understood that Eva was feeling insecure about her declining sexuality and ageing process. This was made worse when I flirted with young women at the NHER conference earlier in the year. For the first time she felt she was not the ‘belle of the ball’.
In February it became clear that my mother was seriously ill. I went to visit her several times and was shocked by how hostile and rejecting she was toward me – even when she was dying! I was sad that she and I had not made it; we were strangers to each other right to the end. My half brother John insisted he give the oration at her funeral. The chapel was packed. My mother was a very popular woman. She was extremely kind and well regarded by literally hundreds of people. When John spoke he said “It is really lovely to see so many people here honouring their memory of my mother. I know that she often spoke to you all about how proud she was of her children. But she never communicated that to any of us. For some reason we, her children, were the only ones to not receive her praise and acknowledgement.” I was very grateful to him for saying this, because it was painfully true. Over the years I have often wondered why she was so unaffectionate and critical of her children – all of whom succeeded in their own ways. I can only surmise that she really never wanted to have children and resented us for the burden we were and how this impacted her social life. But that is just my speculation, I’ll never know.
When I sent a first draft of the Demos pamphlet to Geoff Mulgan and the Director of Demos for comment I received very favourable responses. The pamphlet, titled System Failure: why governments must learn to think differently, was launched in May and was widely reported in the national press. I was very surprised at how well it was received, it clearly struck a chord and helped many people involved in policy to make sense of their own experience. Within a short time I was asked to give presentations on the ideas to various groups in Whitehall. I also found that my ideas had radically changed the way that Demos itself approached policy issues. As a result I became a widely respected member of the think tank and took on mentoring many of the young staff there into thinking systemically. I was struck by how quickly I had moved to the forefront in a completely new domain.
Throughout 2003 and 2004 I continued to give presentations on System Failure. Some were to very prestigious audiences, as at the Treasury. Others were to smaller groups interested in figuring out the policy implications of what I was saying, for example to people working in the Neighbourhood Renewal Unit (NRU). The original pamphlet had long sold out at Demos and I was preparing a second edition for publication. I was also surprised to learn that it had been downloaded from the Demos website more than 70,000 times! This made it the most read Demos pamphlet ever. Toward the end of April 2004 I received an invitation to have breakfast at Fortum and Mason with the head of counter terrorism at new Scotland Yard. She was a fan of System Failure and was having success in putting the ideas into practice in her work. She invited me to give a presentation of the ideas to senior staff in the Metropolitan Police, an invitation that I accepted. This was the beginning of a fruitful collaboration with the Metropolitan Police over the next few years.
Next.
A Master's Path 