The move to Ashill was horrendous. The moving company made every conceivable mistake, including breaking quite a lot of furniture and defrosting our freezer. Once they had left us we decided that before embarking on unpacking we would have a soak in the bath together. We were horrified when all that ran out of the bath tap was a brown sludge. The more we investigated the more we found that the house was in serious disrepair. It was the one item on our list of requirements that was not met by Ashill, but it was also the one that it was possible to sort. I spent the next few months having new windows installed, repairing barns that were literally falling down and sorting out the plumbing so that we could at least have a bath. Although I resented it at the time, I can now see that it provided me with a much needed outlet for my energy – which had nothing else to do.
An important choice we had to face was between my desire to create a serious vegetable garden, one that would feed us most of the year round, and Eva’s desire to travel. She had a long list of places that she would like to see – I had a long list of seeds I wanted to try out. We agreed that at least initially we would restrict our travelling to the months of November, December, January and February – with maybe shorter holidays in the middle of June when the garden did not need constant attention.
After frantically patching the house for three months we then left for a three month trip to Australia to spend time with Sophi and her partner Paul and to travel around Australia together. It was a great trip with a major highlight watching the millennium fireworks on Sydney harbour. Another highlight was taking our first four wheel drive camper van trip. We explored a very remote trail and were stunned by the beauty, the vast landscapes and how the vehicle would go just about anywhere – up cliffs, across rivers, down mountain tracks. We loved the experience.
Following her trip to Ukraine Eva was determined to make contact with her father and sisters who all resided in Australia. She had been largely estranged from this family for more than 30 years, largely the result of her father’s rejection. So when we went to Australia Eva set about contacting her father and sisters. When she contacted her father she discovered that he was in hospital recovering from a serious operation. She then spent several days with him, helping him get the meals he wanted, dealing with issues with the hospital staff and generally looking after him. It was the beginning of a process of reconciliation, which after 33 years of estrangement, both he and she were eager to allow. We left Adelaide, where he was in hospital, for a week exploring and Eva was delighted to find that he was still open to her and welcoming when she came back. She spent another five days with him whilst I remained in Sydney.
She had less success with her sisters. One had deteriorated quite badly and was living in a half way house for people with mental health issues. The other Eva had seen in 1986 and was still in a rejecting frame of mind.
A major effect of the move to Ashill and the three months in Australia was that Eva and I were together 24 hours a day for months on end. Neither of us was going to work or running groups or dealing with clients. We loved it and became much closer. There was a significant improvement in our intimacy and sex life together. We were being stoned more frequently, there was no reason to not do so!
When we returned to the UK I busied myself with the essential house repairs and engaging contractors to reroof the house, provide a new water supply and install an oil heating system. Although this kept me busy I was regularly slightly depressed. I noticed, to my surprise, that I missed seeing people. Everyone had expected Eva to miss people because she was the gregarious one. In the event she revelled in the quiet and isolation whereas I noticed I missed contact with people.
To our delight and surprise we received a letter from the Ukraine that someone had recognised the photo of Eva’s mother that she had left with the commissars of Poltava. We made arrangements to travel to the Ukraine, staying with Lena and her family and then having them take us to the small village where, it turned out, Eva’s mother had grown up. It was an amazing trip in many ways. Like Eva, I fell in love with Lena and her parents and children; they were so welcoming and open. We spent many evenings sharing stories of what life had been like – for me in England, for them in USSR and for Eva in Australia. They could not believe that I had gone to Cambridge and studied physics without it costing my parents anything at all. They explained that in the Soviet system one had to bribe the lecturer, the professor and the Dean of any department that you wanted your child to enter!
Meeting Eva’s relatives was amazing. Her aunt Maria lived on her own in a small cottage with her vegetable garden and her cow. Every day she milked the cow and did whatever was necessary in the garden, even though she was in her eighties. When we arrived she came out to greet us with fresh bread and salt, the traditional welcome for a visitor. And on her wall there was a small photo of Eva that Eva’s mother had sent her in the 1950s. It was very moving and an enormous step in the process of Eva healing her wider family; she resolved to bring her mother’s ashes back to the village and have them buried there alongside all her Ukrainian relatives.
A few weeks after returning to the UK Eva left for Australia for a month. She was going to take care of her father and, if possible, take his daughter from Melbourne to see him in Adelaide. During the trip she also wanted to tell him what she had discovered in the Ukraine. She told her father that she wanted to write a book honouring her mother and used this as a device to hear his history from him. Her project to heal her family was starting to take shape.
Once Eva left I started to confront myself about issues quite intensely. Why was I not meditating? Why was I so determined to drink and smoke cannabis? What was my depression about? Why was I so intolerant of other people? In short I knew that something was afoot and had not yet really recognised what. Here is an important extract from a letter I wrote to Brian (Eva’s ex-husband):
Ever since I Mastered the six-week I have had the sense that I have been running away from something. It is apparent in my behaviour – after meditating two hours a day for twelve years I have not meditated since the six week (almost two years ago now!). I have also been indulging in a lot more dope and alcohol and good food than normal. Well to cut a long story short what I was running away from, and the source of a lot of my intolerance and criticalness, was that I reached the point where I could become some sort of spiritual teacher. I find it hard to say that. It sounds so arrogant and I have so many negative connotations associated with people who make that claim. But it is true. And when I realised this I spooked. This was why I ceased meditating and became hedonistic – I was running away from what I had become – but I was also running away from myself. As a result anyone who did anything to prompt or remind me of this instantly became the object of my intolerance and criticalness – you were just one of many! I was furious and intolerant of the people at the OU (whom I am again rescuing this year on another course that has gone wrong). I am furious and intolerant with some of the lying tradesmen I have to deal with here – people who are unreliable and then tell me lies about why they have let me down. I discovered all this last weekend and have felt just great ever since. And I no longer feel so angry and critical of you.
This was the first time that I admitted to myself that I could become a spiritual teacher. Several people who participated in the six-week Intensive had asked me to be their teacher; I had largely ignored their requests. Two weeks later I visited my wise man for advice. Here’s what he had to say:
Hallelujah! You are not deluded. You are at the end of one stage of your journey. The 6-week showed that you were capable of entering a love space and surrendering to the Divine – and you have been running away from it ever since. Yes you still have human failings and attachments – they do not disappear until much further down the road – but you have come far enough to be a vehicle for Love. And all you have to do is to enter the love space and surrender. You don’t have to think out confrontations or set out to help people in specific ways. You’ve noticed your effect on people yourself. In an Intensive people pay you to confront them – in real life they will hate you for it – so don’t expect to be popular. And you need to meditate in order to access the Love space and surrender. Your greatest ability has been to consistently and thoroughly work on yourself. That is what got you to this point and you must never stop – it goes on and on. But where you are now is not delusion, it is a cause for celebration. Hallelujah!
However the debates within myself continued. I had certainly fulfilled that role for the 22 people on the six week. I was also receiving regular requests from people who knew me from Intensives to take up that role. However Yogeshwar was the perfect counterfoil for me. He had certainly had more powerful spiritual experiences and abilities than me, yet he was clearly deluded and making a mess of not only his own life but that of many people who looked up to him. I had also recently read The Guru Papers which accurately described how inappropriate was the power balance in a guru-student relationship. The book made dozens of powerful points and was only marred by the fact that the authors clearly had no idea that the Divine (or the Absolute or Truth) actually exists and that people do require some sort of guidance in order to realise it.
I was struck by the following extracts from a book that I recorded in my journal; (the book was Halfway up the Mountain by Mariana Caplan.)
The biggest danger is that the ego can begin to use the wisdom and light for self aggrandisement, for inflation rather than ego-diminishment. Ideally one says “ this light is not mine, this wisdom is not mine. It is something that comes through me, from another source.” But the ego wants to say “this is my wisdom, I know.” This is the most dangerous stage because if the ego becomes inflated with real wisdom, with real light, then it is very hard to change things. It is hard because the wisdom is real, the light is real – the problem is the ego claiming them as its own.
In one of my later conversations with my wise man he made a passing comment that even though other people were not at the same point in their development as I was, they could still see me more clearly than I could see myself. This struck me as a potentially useful idea, especially in starting to answer the questions about my life. So after thinking about it I sent the following letter to 23 people who knew me either as family, as a friend, as a business colleague, as a university colleague or as an Enlightenment Master.
Dear <someone>,
As you know I have recently retired from a very active life which included being a Professor at the University, running a small business and Enlightenment Intensives. I am in the process of taking stock of where I have got to and where I might go next in my life and personal development. One of the difficulties I have is that I do not have a clear sense of myself. I have found that I am blind to both my strengths and abilities as well as to my weaknesses and failings. So I decided to ask a range of people who know me to give me their views.
What I am after is some sort of picture of my strengths and weaknesses, as you perceive them. The list does not have to be long or short nor balanced. You can describe any characteristic in one word or at length. I leave it up to you. If you want a starting point aim for three strengths and three failings.
I am aware that you may find it a bit risky to tell me some of the things that you perceive as my weaknesses or failings. I am asking more than twenty different people to participate in this exercise, so you will not be alone in pointing out these aspects of myself. And you should know that I genuinely want to know what they are. I value your opinion and will continue to do so no matter what you say.
Since I do not know what feedback I will receive (the whole point is that I cannot see myself clearly enough to even guess), I do not know how I will make use of the information. However it will certainly assist me to get a clearer picture of myself so that whatever I do in the future will be done with greater awareness – and perhaps with less of the failings.
It will be most helpful if you could respond to this request before the end of June. You can e-mail me or send a fax or letter, whichever is most convenient for you. And it is fine if you do not want to respond. Nevertheless I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Brian, Eva’s ex-husband, was concerned for me. He thought that everyone was envious of the many different domains in which my life was successful and felt I was laying myself open to peoples’ negative projections. In the event I received responses from 20 of the 23 people I invited, and only two were clearly trying ‘have a go at me’. Most people responded in the spirit that I requested and gave me their honest opinion of my strengths and weaknesses. Here is what I wrote to myself after I received 16 of the responses:
The responses have varied enormously. Written responses were the most common but some people telephoned, some wanted to share with me in a conversation, one person sent a semi-pictorial diagram and one person included a “reading” obtained through a spiritual medium. I have a wealth of material to ponder and reflect on and I am sure this will provide a valuable resource for a long time.
Probably the most important thing that I learned was that my strengths are also my weaknesses. Some people spotted this link directly, others implied it, and it is very obvious in much of the feedback. For example many people regard it as a strength that I am honest and straight in my comments and feedback, but another large group of people find that I am sometimes unfriendly or blunt to the point of rudeness. So there is a character trait here – being blunt and honest – that is sometimes appreciated and sometimes not. The same is true of my intellectual ability; some people revel in this others find it intimidating. Many people also commented on my leadership abilities which were appreciated by those who felt inspired and depreciated by those who felt I was always in control. Seeing these abilities and liabilities in this way has enabled me to accept them, and how I am in the world, a great deal more. At the outset I was not sure whether I was seeking feedback in order to make changes to how I am in the world, I am now much clearer that rather than change I need to accept myself more.
I have also come to see that one of the main reasons I embarked on this exercise was that I am now outside all the roles that used to define me. There is an enormous sense of freedom in this lack of roles, and also a sense of uncertainty and vulnerability with which I want to feel more comfortable. Another aspect of ‘retirement’ is that there are no longer any plans and goals to define what I do or how I should approach life. Again this is both unsettling (for me) and liberating. The feedback exercise arose partly from these changes in my life and also enabled me to see more clearly the ways in which my characteristics existed outside the roles and activities. It was also quite striking how the combination of roles gave expression to all the various aspects of myself.
I am extremely grateful that in so many areas of my life I have friends and colleagues who have been willing to share so openly and generously with me. I have also been moved by the often strongly positive things many have said to me – this helps counteract a rather bleak childhood experience in this regard. One of the unforeseen consequences of this exercise is that I feel closer and warmer to those who have responded.
I was surprised at some of the feedback. For example I did not see myself as a generous person, yet several people commented on my generosity, not just with money but also with time and attention. I was also surprised that a business colleague rated my commercial judgement as very high. Here is a
Tabulated list of the main strengths and weaknesses that emerged. Assembling this made it very clear that other people’s reactions to the characteristics were their choice – the characteristic was what I was.
| Strengths and Abilities | Weaknesses and failings | |
| High intelligence | Assuming I know best | |
| Ability with things | Low sensitivity to people | |
| Knowledge of Truth | Dogmatic | |
| Clear and articulate | Overwhelmingly persuasive | |
| Good planner | Rigid | |
| Honest | Brutal | |
| Visionary | Wanting things my way | |
| Strong and gentle | Threateningly powerful | |
| Persistent | Ruthless | |
| Faithful with high integrity | ||
| Open intellectually and emotionally | Judgemental, arrogant | |
| Willing to take responsibility | Controlling |
Here is an edited version of one of the most thoughtful responses that I received. It came from a colleague at the University who had originally joined the Energy Research Group in 1975 so this person knew me for about 25 years.
Firstly, why now? It seems to me to be a very Jake thing to do, to be plunging into the process of deciding what to do next when you’ve only just retired. Is there any space for just drifting along for a while?
Secondly, I experience you as a very vivid person. You are someone whose strengths are very strong and weaknesses equally difficult to ignore, I don’t think I’ve come across anyone who doesn’t express their responses to you quite strongly. You stand out very strongly from the background and from among the people around you. You have a charisma that is hard to miss. I imagine that this must take some managing, making some things very difficult while enabling other things. This is a theme that comes up again later. I’m fairly confident that this vividness is more than just my perception.
Intellectual gifts
Perhaps the first key strength should be that you are extremely clever. I’m placing this one first because it conditions so many of the others. I see in you the capacity to understand a diverse range of complex and difficult issues and to solve problems. I also observe you learning as you go, building on your own and other’s experience and showing all the characteristics of having a well-trained mind.
Teaching
The next characteristic I want to pick out is your giftedness as a teacher. I have sometimes gasped in amazement at some of the teaching texts you produce. I’ve seen similar reactions in other colleagues too. Your ability to structure an idea or concept, and to build on the concepts a student already has in place, is awesome. You build a logically ordered argument which makes it easy for your reader to acquire a solid appreciation of an idea which allows them to build their own extensions very quickly.
Commitment to excellence
I see in you a commitment to excellence. I phrase it that way because it’s not the same as perfectionism (a neurotic fretting about unrealistic goals). You are committed to doing things well and are not prepared to settle for the second rate, either in yourself or in other people. I value this characteristic in you because everyone, deserves the best that can be done and because I think goals set at ‘mediocrity’ are unworthy of anyone. The dark side of this gift is driveness and intensity. Do you drive yourself too hard, I wonder?
Attractiveness
Jake, I experience you as an extremely attractive person. This is on all sorts of dimensions. Probably the most superficial of these, but nonetheless important, is that you are very gorgeous, very sexy. Another dimension is the intellectual one that I’ve talked about above. Yet another is the quality of attention that you give people when you’re talking with them. Yet another dimension is the things you talk about. The ideas and passions you espouse are very attractive and have a ‘want to know more’ quality. You have a capacity to draw people into these ideas — and you can be very persuasive. Finally there’s the attractiveness of someone who lives an inspirational life style, is reasonably successful, affluent and obviously happy.
Labeling
I sometimes experience you as responding to people by categorizing or labeling the account they give of themselves or of their experience. You’ve done it to me several times and I experienced it as diminishing in some way. I remember describing an experience I’d had and you responded by saying something like ‘Oh that’s a case of X’.
Always being right
I often experience you as being ‘Right’ or as having the last word in a discussion. Typically a conversation that ends this way concludes with a very clear message from you that if I don’t see it your way, it’s because of some pathology (or personality defect) of mine. It can be as clear as that although it’s frequently more subtle. The indicated pathology can be of the form of ‘too unenlightened’, ‘too stupid’, ‘too stuck in some limiting mind set’, ‘too inexperienced’, and so on
The difficulty with describing this weakness is, of course, that you often are right, and it’s also true that others are sometimes too <whatever>. It’s also true that people will react angrily to challenges they don’t want to hear by blaming the messenger but the message that sometimes comes across is not worthy of you – not least because it risks inhibiting people’s capacity to learn.
Guru
Part of you is, I think, a `guru-self’, a teacher and source of wisdom for all sorts of people. But I sense that you have an uncomfortable relationship with your guru-self. I have an uncomfortable relationship with your guru-self too. There are times when I want you to be my teacher; and there are times when I don’t Sometimes this unmanaged guru emerges and gets in the way of you being a friend or a colleague. The unmanaged guru exists, of course, alongside the gifted teacher.
Final thoughts
Writing this reminds me of just how much I owe you in terms of my own development. You are a very special person — perhaps one of the most special people I have ever known. I have been as honest as I know how to be. I have not minced words because I believe the invitation was there to tell you exactly what I think and I also believe you have the capacity to receive feedback like this without folding up. (Another item for your strengths list.)
Given all that I was going through as a result of Mastering the six-week Intensive the “unmanaged guru” comment was extremely appropriate and very helpful – my guru tendency certainly needed to be managed! This helped me understand why I was being so intolerant and pissing off quite a few people. It also explained why the issue of whether to become a spiritual teacher would not go away, I noticed I would think about it periodically and then dismiss it. I wondered how other people who chose to become spiritual teachers made the decision.
There is one other piece of feedback I received from Tom, one of the people who had taken on running Intensives. Tom was deeply involved with the channelled teachings by an entity known as Michael. The system described in the channelling attributed people to one of seven archetypal essences, one of seven stages of soul evolution and a number of attributes. According to this system I was a 6th level mature King who in this life has a goal of dominance, a sceptical attitude, a persevering manner and chief features of arrogance and mild self-destruction. In this system Kings are natural leaders. A goal of dominance means that I want to make a difference in the world and a sceptical attitude means that I do not take things at face value. Arrogance is a cover for worthlessness, which I certainly recognised, and perseverance means “I’ll see this through no matter what!”. I found the reading helpful; it included a lot of useful detail. I also found it helpful that when Tom asked whether it was possible to truncate the soul’s evolution by “going for enlightenment in this lifetime” Michael’s response was basically “no, people adopting this approach are probably struggling with impatience or martyrdom”. The answer continued to emphasise “you choose everything, you create everything, there are no exceptions” which echoed what my wise man had been telling me for many years. One of the indirect results of the feedback was that I relaxed a lot more, I really did cease trying to change myself so assiduously. I made a choice to accept myself and aim to become more real, to let everyone see who I really am. This is in stark contrast to the person who always meditated, fasted one day a week, read holy books and studied enlightenment. Being real, I decided, was more important than being saintly or holy. I also decided that I was not going to force myself into any new practice. I would meditate when I felt like it and in general would surrender more to what life presented to me. This may not sound very significant, but for someone who always had a five year plan, a one year plan and a comprehensive ‘To Do’ list it was quite a shift. I was also finding that creating a garden at Ashill and repairing the barns provided more than enough work to absorb my high energy. Later in the year Eva returned to Australia, to see her father and to attend the Sydney Olympics – in which both her children were employed. This gave me more time to myself, time I used to reflect on the feedback I received and also relax on my own. I recognised, again, that I missed interacting with people; previously in my busy life I would interact with dozens of people on a daily basis. I especially missed the moments of Divine contact I shared with participants on Intensives. I also lacked a level of intellectual stimulation.
Next.
A Master's Path 