I participated in the 6-week Intensive in the autumn of 1982, I ran my first EI (the one with 16 participants and no Master) in January 1983 and took the Master’s training course in August 1983. The last chapter described in some detail the fast learning curve I found myself on running 7 three day Intensives and the two week Intensives in 1984 and 1985. However, this was only one of the threads of my life during these years. The other threads, that I now want to catch up on, were my relationship with Eva and the business started in 1983, EAS.
A significant part of the research carried out at ERG had been into how to reduce the energy used to heat houses. One project in particular showed how it was possible to halve heating bills for an outlay of just £300/house. I used the data from these projects to further develop the computer program we had developed to predict the energy use in houses. I enjoyed the combination of learning how to program computers as well as developing the physics model to make the predictions. It turned out that the software I had created had a significant number of applications and there was potential to earn a lot of money from software sales. This threw me into a crisis since my working class upbringing had taught me that “all rich people are bastards”. I resolved the issue by visiting my wise man. After pouring my heart out to him about the conflict he simply said:
Do you imagine that you could become rich if it wasn’t right for you? Provided that you are gaining wealth through the use of your talents and working hard then whatever rewards come your way are well earned! And from what I have observed you are actually working too hard, you need to spend more time meditating and relaxing.
During 1984 as well as running Intensives together we were also undertaking a number of encounter groups. On the Intensives I was Master, for the encounter groups Eva was the leader and I was her assistant. We became very comfortable working together in both formats; we always agreed about what was going on and what needed to be done.
However 1984 was an really awful year for Eva. She had finished writing her PhD thesis the year before but in 1984 her examiners decided that it was not good enough. In truth the examiners did not really understand Eva’s core argument, and she was not able to stand up for herself enough during the oral examination. She was given advice about how to change the thesis in order to make it acceptable. But it was a blow. Later in the year the IDHP course that she was running blew up. The group had failed to gel the previous year and now they were blaming Eva for their collective failure. The climax was when a secretary passed confidential minutes of an IDHP committee meeting to her boyfriend, who was in Eva’s group, who then circulated them to the entire group. In the minutes Eva described her distress with the group and it was embarrassing, undermining and totally destructive. She felt a failure for the second time. Finally she ran into trouble with the course team with whom she was working at the University. At one point it seemed that members of the team were going to ask Eva to leave. Fortunately my intimate knowledge of course teams enabled me to coach Eva in how to handle the accusations being thrown at her and she came through this challenge OK. But it was a year in which her confidence was severely undermined.
Although we were generally getting on well there were a number of issues that clouded the relationship. The first was that Eva’s second husband, Brian, was reluctant to allow Eva access to her children half the time. In part it was his way of gaining revenge for the end of their relationship – and in this it worked; Eva felt a lot of guilt and distress as a result. It exacerbated a big issue between us – basically conflicts about children.
Quite early in our relationship we noticed that when we were getting on well then so did our children. Whenever we fell out or were struggling in our relationship then my children and Eva’s would end up fighting. Sometimes the way that the children reflected the state of our relationship was very striking. For example, if we resolved an issue between us then, without any verbal communication to the children, they would suddenly cease fighting and play together harmoniously.
However, the biggest issue of all revolved around Eva’s relationship with my children and how they interacted with her son, Joe. Eva’s daughter, Sophi, was very similar in age to my youngest son Marcus. Reuben, my eldest son was 18 months older. So the three older children were of a similar age, but Joe was 6 years younger. When we started our relationship Joe was 2, so having three siblings aged 8 to 9 meant that it was difficult for him to join in their games. I played with all of them a lot and was able to include Joe most of the time. However, any game that involved rough and tumble would always end with Joe in tears and quite often he would feel left out. Eva was naturally most protective of Joe.
The situation was made a lot worse by my sons resenting the fact that Joe was gaining so much special attention – from both me and Eva. They were sometimes unkind to Joe, something he made sure to tell Eva about. As a result, Eva came to resent my sons and became a step mother from hell. She was often unkind to Reuben and Marcus, which only made the dynamic between the kids worse. For me it was agony. My first wife was very similar to my mother (though for different reasons) and was neither affectionate nor reassuring to Reuben and Marcus. She was also quite violent to them both. Now my sons were with another woman who was being unkind to them. They were missing out on a woman’s love and nurture big time – and I found it heart breaking. I repeatedly asked Eva to change her attitude, but each time Joe ended in tears she understandably became more resentful and unkind.
This was never resolved between us. I noticed that as I read through my journals deciding what to include in my account I always ignored stuff about the children, it is still a raw spot for me. For the first few years of my relationship with Eva the other issues that I have described at length were the main focus. By the time my worthlessness and shadow were under some degree of control it was already too late to change the dynamic around the children – particularly because my sons were only with us in school holidays.
The third issue that was making life difficult for Eva was her struggle to say what she wanted. Years later I understood that this was because she found it hard to make decisions and decide what it was that she wanted. Rather than decide what she wanted she would often attempt to double guess what I wanted and say that was her preference. Then when it was not what I actually wanted she was resentful – because she had done her best to please me and it wasn’t good enough. This was a wicked dynamic to be caught in and it took me a long time to understand it sufficiently to insist on finding out what Eva actually wanted. But at this stage in our relationship it was simply a dynamic that drove us both bonkers.
Just before Christmas 1984 I awoke early in despair and went into the sound proof den where I cried for the next half an hour. It was just agony to be with a woman who didn’t want to make contact with me, who was putting trips on me. It was a very familiar feeling. As I emerged from this I recognised that I am playing the daddy role that Eva projects onto me. She says it is to do with me not acknowledging her enough, not giving her enough space to find out what she wants and saying things in a ‘final’ tone of voice. I understood that I actually exploit other people’s weakness, it is convenient to me. I resolved to do more to acknowledge her and to encourage her to take time to find out what she really wants. It would be difficult for me – but it would do a lot to remove the daddy projections that cripple my relationships.
Eva was invited to do another encounter group in Bath in February 1985. I offered to go as well, but the organiser, Piers, said that he just wanted Eva. When she returned from running the group I discovered why. Piers had wanted to have an affair with Eva. He told her that she was an amazing group leader and did fantastic work with people. For someone who had just had a succession of failures this was music to Eva – and she fell in love with him. She reassured me that they did not kiss nor have any sexual contact – but they did have a bath together and slept in the same bed.
It was painful to hear what she had to tell me, but I stayed with how I felt and realised that I wanted the truth more than anything else. If the truth was that she no longer wanted to be with me then I could accept that – it didn’t mean I was no good. As I said this to her I felt an enormous sense of clarity and openness. I told her that I felt really good about myself and that she was simply a fool if she missed out on contact with me. I did well not to be caught in any trips, to not take hurt or lash out – and I recognised old feelings that did not belong.
I knew that something very similar had happened to end Eva’s relationship with her last husband, Brian. She had fallen in love with a man in Paris, he forbade her to see him again, she defied him, went to Paris and ended the marriage. So I was determined to not fall into that trap – but it was NOT easy! The next day I realised the depth of my desire to control Eva. I caught myself trying to control her by rational arguments, by showing her my hurt – none of which worked for me or her. I really wanted her to stay with me and it was driving me nuts that I couldn’t do anything to get what I wanted. I was taken down and down, to the point where I realised that it wasn’t Eva I had to let go of – it was my belief that I could control the situation. I found it excruciating. It wasn’t easy for Eva either.
Actually it is rather amazing that we are both going through a great deal of really useful stuff without hurting each other. We have a rather fabulous relationship. The central issue for me is to recognise the degree to which I imagine I can change the way things are. Also the degree to which I don’t trust anyone to love me.
The next day Eva started to look very carefully at what was going on for her. She recognised that she had set up a situation to face the trip with her father in adolescence. Basically her mother had been lost to a mental hospital when she was 14. She anticipated having a degree of freedom as a result; instead she began a long battle with her father who attempted to prevent her meeting or going out with any boys. It ended when she was 20 and ran away from home. He refused to have anything to do with her after that – a refusal that continued for 33 years! She spotted that the period of conflict was exactly five and a half years long. This was also how long her first marriage lasted. And how long her marriage to Brian lasted. And here she was again, five and a half years after we got together wanting to run off with another man! And her sexuality was caught up in this drama – because that was what her father was suppressing all those years ago.
I was relieved that Eva had uncovered what was going on for her. We talked at length about the significance of all the aspects of the drama. When we talked about our sexual relationship I realised that I had actually given up on the level of intimacy that I really wanted; I was settling for a simple orgasmic release. So now we both had material to work on to improve our sexual relationship.
A few days later I used the Inner Guide Meditation to visit the Sun archetype. The archetype presented itself as a Tarzan like figure who demanded that I be strong. In response I started to be really angry at Eva and started shouting. Then I noticed that behind the crude negativity aimed at hurting there was a really clear anger which was expressed in a series of simple statements. “I want you to stop damaging our marriage” “I want you to be my wife – with no doubts or questions” “I will not try to influence your choice, but nor will I put up with this shit”. I asked Sun whether this was what he meant – to which he said: “No your strength isn’t in facing your suffering, nor in being able to shout what you want. Your real strength was in being able to love no matter what was happening.” I knew immediately what he meant, the strength to be able to love in the middle of a crisis regardless of any despair. He gave me a gift that would help me to see the Divine in the other person.
When I talked this over with Eva I said that I was sorry that I had not seen that she needed me to love her to help heal her past. That moved a mountain between us. Later I also said that the innocence had gone from our relationship – which also helped us feel a lot closer. I made it clear that I wanted to rescue our relationship from the destructiveness that was potentially possible. Eva loved everything I was saying and, for the first time, started to consider giving up Piers. In fact, it was another month before the situation completely resolved itself. Just before the May Intensive Eva went to Bath to see Piers. As soon they met Eva knew it was over; there was no remaining attraction. He really had been a vehicle for resolving the five and a half year pattern in her relationships. Eva was also helpful to Piers because his wife had some time earlier had an affair with her therapist and the attraction between him and Eva had enabled him to regain his self esteem.
At the end of my retreat in Devon a few weeks later, Eva and I explored our desires for intimacy and connection. I had been triggered into remembering the pain of losing the connection I initially had with Laura, and was terrified I might also lose Eva. Eva confessed that she had been to see Piers on the way down to see me, but that it had confirmed that their relationship was over. She saw that what she really wanted was intimacy and apologised for giving up on going for it with me. We spent the next few days in bliss, loving each other and being softly sexual. I felt Eva really loving me and wanting me as never before. I was more hopeful than ever before that Eva and I were going to make it as a couple, but I also knew that there was a great deal of work now to do.
A month or so later saw me running the two week Intensive with Eva as one of the participants. She gained significant benefit from that Intensive. I noticed that she was more loving, more present and more willing to find out what she wanted. There were also quite long periods when I felt in a very loving space – sometimes for days at a time. It felt the same as the after-glow from an enlightenment experience – effortlessly easy to love everyone and everything. However, there were also periods when I sank into despair about not feeling loved, not getting what I wanted from Eva and generally caught in loneliness and despair. At such times I would visit my wise man. Here is what he said on one such occasion:
Suppose everything that you think about Eva is true. Well what, as Eva, would you want from Jake? Give her that! The point is that in the end if you really want to be considered by others then you have to consider them. You don’t do it on a trading basis – it’s not that by considering them you’ll be given what you want – it’s just the best that you can do – to really consider others. You are well and truly stuck because you haven’t given up wanting to get what you want – you’ve just stopped yourself doing some of the things you used to do to try to get it. That’s a great first step – but it leaves you in a stuck place – and the only way out is to give up what you are wanting to get.
It’s like the first step in stopping smoking is to just cease putting a cigarette in your mouth – but then you’ll face the feelings that are alleviated by that activity – and to really stop smoking you have to face those feelings and eliminate the source of the desire to smoke. Now you know that when you are feeling good about yourself the feelings of loneliness and despair are not there – because you are filled up by the process of giving. And you also know that it only works because you are really giving, without any expectation of reward. This is what you need to apply to this issue.
I said, “that feels so hard.” Then I had a strange experience. The sense of desperate loneliness arose and grew and grew – I went right into it, totally. It only lasted a few seconds – and then I felt as though I was out the other side, as if I had gone right through an emotional barrier. I continued to talk to the wise man: “what can I do when I am down? I am not a saint! I’m not high all the time!” He helped me see that the error was expecting someone else to pull me out of my state. The best I could do was to spend time with myself and figure out what I needed in order to be back in touch with myself. Then, once in touch with myself, I would be available for the intimacy and contact with others that was what I wanted.
So once more I am being given instruction about what I need to do differently. It is not enough to understand the issue, I actually have to change my behaviour in order to make progress. This was not easy to do; nor was it what I chose to write about in my journal, but nevertheless it was the basis on which change actually happened.
Toward the end of the year I found myself struggling to accept myself. I elected to visit my Inner Guide to seek help with this.
Before I knew it, I found myself kneeling before a throne being told to stay on my knees looking at the floor. I was in the presence of the Emperor. I asked what he wanted in order to be my friend and ally. The emperor laughed and said he was only friends with Kings and Emperors. At this point I stood up and looked him in the eye and repeated my question: “what do you want from me in order to be my friend and ally?” Leaning forward in his throne he said “for you to be a King, for you to own all the things of which you are a King, to claim your kingdoms!”
I immediately saw how I still deny a lot of the things I am really good at, I still pretend to be just the same as other people – which is unreal. But I also saw that there was a difficulty distinguishing between the things that I was really good at and things that my ego thought I was good at. The Emperor said “a real King knows the difference – you know where you are REALLY a King – just stick with those domains for now!” At this point I owned that I was really good at understanding energy issues, writing, leading Intensives and teaching. He was satisfied with my proclamations.
I then asked “what have you to give me in return?”. He immediately jumped out of his throne and told me to sit in it. It was a magnificent throne and it felt wonderful to be sitting in it. Then he said “now imagine you are king of dancing” – as I did so the throne disappeared from beneath me. Then “now imagine you are king of writing teaching material”, as I did so the throne reappeared and felt magnificent once more. “So”, he said, “you can see that this throne can help you distinguish your real domains from ego trips. When in doubt imagine yourself sitting here and use the test! And remember, claim your kingdom, it is only when you have done so that you can pass it on to others!”
My work on energy software was going really well. The program to help select houses for the Energy World exhibition was now known as the Milton Keynes Energy Cost Index, MKECI, and architects at MKDC and building contractors were asking for copies. This taught me an important lesson. For much of the time that I had been running ERG and seconded to MKDC I had been exhorting architects to improve the energy performance of their house designs – to no effect. Now I was giving them a tool that they could use to find out for themselves what made the most difference to energy performance. This made all the difference. They were learning and putting what they learnt into practice. By the time the Energy World exhibition was run (August 1986) the houses were at least twice as efficient as a standard house built to the Building Regulations. What’s more the architects were now strong advocates of what they had discovered and put into their designs. Finding out for oneself was obviously far more powerful than being told what to do! My knowledge of personal computers and how to program them was also being put to use in the University. I and a colleague, John Naughton, proposed using personal computers both to teach students about how they worked and also as a vehicle for conveying teaching materials to the students. This was a radical idea in 1985, resisted by many of our colleagues. Fortunately both John and I had reputations as being excellent teachers, so despite their resistance we were allowed to develop our ideas.
Next.
A Master's Path 